A to Z marriage tips - Part One

Note to Self: 

At least you seem to have it all figured out on paper! ;) 

Hi everyone! I came across this blog post: http://heavenlyhomemakers.com/category/marriage-tips-a-to-z , and decided to make one for myself! Stefen and I have been married a year and a half this month! I can't believe it's already been that long! Anyway, I'm no expert on marriage (it's only been a year and a half after all) but these are some of the things I've heard and learned in the last year and a half! It's an A to Z list, but after writing it and it turned out to be over 10 pages long, I figured I should split it into two posts! So, here's A to M! :)

Appreciate your spouse

Don't take for granted the things that your spouse does for you and the person that they are. Be intentional in showing and telling your spouse that you appreciate them. It takes work, but it is so important.

Men and women are different and sometimes it might be hard to see or understand what it is the other person is doing for you. It takes effort and humility. We've only been married for a year and a half and I'm slowly learning all of the ways that I can show Stefen that I appreciate him. I'm still learning all of the things that I really do appreciate about him! It's a learning processes, as with anything in marriage.

The words you say to your spouse matter, but the tone matters more. Imagine saying some of the things you already say, but in a tone of appreciation. It could do wonderful things. Even saying a simple "thank you" can be an easy way to begin to express how much you appreciate your spouse.

Besides showing and telling your spouse how much you appreciate them, you should keep these things in your mind. How hard is it to be mad or frustrated at your spouse when your mind is full of appreciation for all the things they do for you? It's extremely difficult . . . which is kind of the point. A single positive (and appreciative) thought about your spouse each day can change your entire marriage.

Be silly

Life can become so serious at times. Stefen and I have both worked and gone to school full time the entire time we've been married so far (OK we had one summer off of school). Besides work and school and homework and exams you have things like money and dishes and laundry and family and sleep and all of the other things that come with being . . . you know . . . a human being. And it sucks. I spend so much time every day just thinking about all that I have to do! But I'd go crazy if that's all I ever did.

I've always been more on the serious side. It's hard for me to step away from that and just have fun. This is one of the reasons I fell in love with my Stefen in the beginning and why I continue to fall more in love every day. HE MAKES ME BE SILLY. Ok, maybe he doesn't make me, but I let myself be silly with him! We wrestle and he pretends to eat my face and he'll drag me across the kitchen when I'm wearing socks . . . I can't even think of all the silly things we do. But I know that bein silly has helped our marriage in so many ways.

Choose your battles

This is true with everyone and everything, but especially in marriage. Some things really don't matter. Like the way the butter and butter knife are put to together . . . I place the knife on the side of the dish. Stefen, on the other hand, stabs the butter with the knife so it's sticking straight up. Does it bother me? Every time! (My OCD tendencies go crazy haha). Is it worth ANY kind of argument? Absolutely not. It's just butter.

That's a silly example, but how many other "butter" disagreements do we have in a marriage? A million. But those things don't matter. Something I've heard again and again: "Don't sweat the small stuff. It's all small stuff."

Some things in life really don't matter. Some battles aren't worth fighting. And if you choose to fight them, fight them with toothpicks instead of swords . . . fight them with jokes and laughter instead of criticism. Ok maybe that's a bad metaphor . . . but oh well. The point is, those little things really don't matter. What matters is your marriage.

Don't go to bed angry 

Nahh . . . I don't like this one. So really, my advice would be the opposite. Or at least that it's OK to go to bed angry.

Do you think rationally when you're angry? If so, I give you major props. I know I'm a logical disaster when I'm upset and trying to deal with conflict when I'm angry would be one of the WORST things for our marriage. I've tried . . . it didn't work out haha. Going to bed angry isn't fun, either. I don't sleep much on those occasions because I run over things I'd like to say in my head for hours . . . but eventually I do sleep. And every time I wake up I realize how irrational I was being and we can start the conversation over again. It's amazing how much easier it is to handle conflict when you're not angry.

H.A.L.T. is a good thing to remember, here. Don't attempt meaningful conversation (especially handling conflict) if either spouse is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. And especially not a combination of those . . . Like "hangry." (I never realized that I get hangry until Stefen pointed it out . . . now we can be out running errands and all of a sudden he'll pull into a drive thru and I get mad because "we have stuff to do" and he tells me that I need to eat . . . my bad haha.) 

Anyway. If any of you have heard this same bit of advice, probably just ignore it. Going to bed angry is certainly not the worst thing you could do!

Every day, choose them

I think people get married and then have this mindset that they're "stuck" with that person forever. That's just not true. Divorce is easier than ever (NOT A REASON TO DO IT). If you want out, you can get out. But marriage isn't about finding an "out," it's about finding all the reasons you choose to stay "in." 

Marriage is hard. There have been times that Stefen has pushed buttons I didn't even know I had. But you know what? I choose him. I chose him when I said yes to that first date. I chose him for the year that we dated and I chose him the day I said "yes" to being his wife. I chose him the day we were married in the temple and I've chosen him every day since. I'm not stuck with him. I CHOOSE him. Every day, no matter what happens, I choose to be with him. I choose to be his wife and to love him. I choose to accept his flaws, just as he chooses to accept mine. I choose to stand by him for better and for worse. 

Every day you have that opportunity to make that choice again. Marriage is about making that choice. 

Friends first

As in, be friends before lovers. If your spouse isn't your best friend, work on that. If Stefen isn't the first person I want to tell my good news to or cry to when things are hard, I know that's when I need to work to feel closer to him. Your spouse should be your best friend. They should be there for you every step of your journey, because you are taking that journey together. If they're not your best friend, think about the things that you can do to be a better friend to them.

While your spouse should be your best friend, I think it's so crucial to point out that they should not be your only friend. You can and should have other friends. You can even have other best friends. I know "best" implies one, but I think that's dumb. You can have more than one best friend because each friend is different and is your friend for different reasons. So, even when you get married and your spouse is your best friend, don't let go of your other friendships! You need them, too! After all, Stefen just isn't going to react the same about a new episode of Greys Anatomy as my girlfriends will ;) haha

Girls/guys night out

This was so hard for me to wrap my head around in the beginning! Stefen had been living a bachelor-type life for years when I met him. Working, hanging out with friends, playing video games, you get the point. He was used to doing his own thing most of the time. I had just moved away from all of my friends and family and spent most of my time by myself (not that I didn't do that even when I lived by my friends haha), but I wanted to make friends and spend time with someone!

When Stefen and I were dating, we spent a ton of time together. Granted, most of it was spent doing homework, but we were still together. So when we got married, I still wanted to spend a ton of time together. Basically all of our time together. That's what married people do, right!? Pretty sure I started to smother my poor husband haha!

You need time apart or you'll start to drive each other crazy. Whether you spend that time by yourself doing a hobby, or going out for a girls/guys night . . . you need to do it.

Hold each other

Hugging and holding each other is basically the best thing, ever. At least once a day (as in probably 15 times), I'll just walk up to Stefen and hug him and not let go. Honestly, it makes everything better (even if nothing was wrong in the first place). That's about all I have to say about it . . . basically hugging every day is awesome :)

Intentional love

It takes intentionality to strengthen your love and your marriage! It doesn't just happen, no matter how badly you "want" it. Intentional couples think about their marriage, plan for their marriage, and act for their marriage. Spouses need to be dedicated to maintaining and building their connection throughout their marriage. 

If you're not being intentional, you'll easily slip into automatic mode. Great marriages are not build in automatic mode! That's when you just let life happen. If you just let marriage "happen", there's not going to be much marriage left at the end of it. A great marriage takes work! And to put in that effort, you have to be intentional in your relationship. 

Imagine how much different relationships would be, if each person acted intentionally instead of simply reacting? It's that intentionality that can turn a conversation from terrible to wonderful and can turn a relationship around. I've seen it. And it's hard! Sometimes I really suck at it haha. But every day I strive to be intentional in my marriage. 

Jam-packed with love

Ok, I know some people will disagree with me, but hear me out: Say "I love you" every day, multiple times a day. I've heard so many people say that if you say "I love you" too much it loses its meaning. The truth is, it doesn't lose its meaning unless you let it. 

Stefen and I say "I love you" more times than I could count each day. In person, over text, on the phone . . . And it's awesome. We know we love each other even without those words, but who doesn't love to hear that? The trick is not only to say it often, but to ALWAYS mean it. 

Stefen jokes that I have different "I love you"s . . . there's the: you're-an-idiot-but-I-love-you "I love you", you're-my-everything "I love you", I'm-busy-and-can't-talk-but-I-love-you "I love you", and a few others that I'm sure he would recognize haha The point is, no matter which of these it is, he knows that I love him. It doesn't matter if he's being dumb, when I say "I love you", I mean it. When I'm busy doing homework and don't have time to have a conversation, when I say "I love you" then, I mean it. 

So say "I love you" often, but only as often as you're able to mean it. 

Kiss every day

This is kind of like the hug one. Hugging and kissing helps you feel closer to your spouse! Maybe you're not a touchy-feely person and this seems strange to you (that's OK). But I think everyone should try the "15 second kiss challenge." Basically you make sure that you and your spouse kiss for at least 15 seconds every day!

I actually don't know if I kiss my husband for 15 seconds every day . . . I don't know if I've ever thought about the time! But I know that kissing him every day (for any amount of time) has brought us closer! So I imagine that this would do the same :) Here's where I got the idea from: http://fiercemarriage.com/15-second-kiss-experiment

Learn your love languages

Have you heard of love languages before? If not, you need to move on over to this website: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ and take the quiz. Then make your spouse take the quiz. Then you can come back here and keep reading. If you have heard of them, feel free to continue ;)

I've been minoring in family studies, which means that I've learned about love languages in nearly all of my minor classes, and a communications class which Stefen also took. If you've learned about them, you could be one of the people who think they're silly or worthless. You have the right to your opinion! But I'm here to tell you that the love languages are real and extremely helpful.

While each love language has a definition, it is very important to learn your spouse's definition of the love languages that mean the most to them!

Both Stefen and I have "physical touch" and "quality time" pretty high on our list of love languages. While physical touch is fairly straightforward (holding hands, sitting next to each other, hugging, etc.), we had different definitions for quality time. And that is OK. I remember being so frustrated in the beginning because I didn't feel like I was getting the quality time that I needed, and Stefen thought we were. Why? Because we had different definitions. For me, quality time is doing things together, talking, eye contact, playing a game, things like that. For Stefen, sitting in the same room together, even if he was playing xbox and I was on my computer, counted as quality time. When we had this conversation and explained to each other what "quality time" meant to us, things went much more smoothly. I could accept that sometimes just being in the same room was all that he needed as far as quality time. He could accept that sometimes I needed more than that.

Really, learning and discussing your love languages is just about learning and discussing the ways you can show your spouse that you love them. So whether or not you believe in the true "love languages," make sure you take the time to understand what your spouse needs to feel loved!

Marriage is most important

Your marriage is more important than your career and your hobbies. Your marriage is more important than what your friends or family think. Your marriage is the most important thing. I can't stress this enough. Don't put anything before your marriage . . . because when whatever it is finally ends or falls through, it's your spouse that will be there to pick you back up.

"If I could tell my generation one thing about marriage, it would be that marriage is your project for the world: your greatest possible contribution to the future is likely your family, not your occupation" - Josh Craddock




That's my A to M list! What did you think? I'd love to hear your opinions! And stay tuned for part two: N to Z! :)