Courage

Note to Self:

My "One Little Word" for 2013 has been Courage... and let me just say I had no idea on January 1, 2013 what this little word would come to mean to me. So, with the end of the year approaching, I better do a re-cap. 

Wow. Is 2013 really almost over? That is crazy to me. As I was approaching 2013 I found the idea of having "One Little Word" to focus on instead of a bunch of resolutions. After much contemplation I finally chose my word. Courage was the word that kept coming back... almost like a bad penny. It seemed kind of silly to me at the time. Courage is one of those words everyone seems to think about all the time, and I wanted my word to be something more unique. But I just couldn't shake it. And honestly... that one little word has made all the difference in my life this year. 

At the beginning of the year I set a few ideas of what this word would mean for me:

"2013 will be the year I had the COURAGE to:

• Stand up for myself and what I stand for
• Become the person I want to be
• State my opinion
• Stand out from the crowd
• Change my life for the better
• Take risks
• Stop being so afraid and start living instead
• Accept the changes that will inevitably come
• Make new friends
• Trust people
• Trust myself
• Be spontaneous
• Let go of expectations 

And, above all, 2013 will be the year I have the courage to just be happy."

And really... I'm proud of myself. Have I slipped up? Absolutely. That doesn't change what I did manage to accomplish, though.

I stood up for myself and what I believed in on different occasions. One that many of my friends, at least from high school, will remember is my stance on our move into the new high school building. Though I may have been one of few who had such strong feelings... I made sure to make those feelings known. And maybe it didn't make a difference in the long run... but it made a difference to me. Because a year ago I wouldn't have had the courage to speak out at all. And though it may have seemed silly and even obnoxious to some... to me it was the push that I needed. 

I took risks this year. I let go of my minor in photography to focus on what might be a better option for my future. Do I know where it's going to take me yet? No. Photography is what I love and what I'm comfortable with... but I took the risk anyway. I've taken other risks as well... and some I'm not quite so proud of. But I've learned from it all. Risks don't have to be a bad thing... you just have to have the courage to take a chance. 

Make new friends. WOW. This was the one thing I was actually nervous about when I made the switch from high school to college this year. Not the grades or being away from home or the professors or finding a job... just making friends. I'm shy. At least more so than most. But you know what? I did it. I made friends this year. Yeah it's scary as heck to put yourself out there and try to talk to someone and get them to like you as person... but it just takes an ounce of courage to make all the difference. 

Trusting people and myself is still hard for me. I did trust this year. More than ever. There were some instances where it came back to bite me... which inevitably made it harder to trust again. But I'm learning.

I tried not to be so afraid this year... I tried to be spontaneous and just live. IT'S HARD. At least for me because I always have everything very planned out and safe. It was so worth it though. I had some of the best experiences of my life because I learned to just let go... even for a moment and just be happy and let life happen. A good friend helped me a lot with that. 

Having the courage to accept change has perhaps been the hardest thing. I knew a lot would change for me during 2013, but I never could have imagined just how much. This year I had my whole world turned upside down, just to have it ripped out from under my feet. Honestly this year has been terrifying. I have never had so much change before and in so many different ways and aspects of my life. But whenever it got hard I would think about courage. Just look down at the ring I bought myself to remind me, breathe, and tell myself that with just an ounce of courage I could get through it all. And I have. 

The one that kills me is "become the person I want to be"... as if that could be accomplished in only a year! That's a lifetime journey! The concept was just to have the courage to become that person, though, which makes a difference. You can't possibly become the person you want to be if you're too scared to try, and before this year I think I was. I changed a lot this year... for the better and not so much, too. I'm no where near the person I really want to be... but like I said, it's a lifelong journey. 

I'm sure much of what I've written seems really vague... and it is. I apologize. No one can possibly know everything that has happened in my life this year and so no one could understand just how much this one little word has meant to me. But I assure you... focusing on "courage" this year has changed my life. It helped with the big things like moving away to college and finding a job, but more often it was simply that little push I needed to get me through each day. 

I never could have known what that word would come to mean to me. 

Courage. Just one little word... seven little letters... but a world of difference. 

This moment

Note to Self:

Trust in this moment. 

For those of you who know me personally, you've probably discovered that "trust" isn't exactly in my vocabulary. I have a really hard time trusting . . . in other people, in myself, in anything. It's just the way I am. 

I'm almost done with my first semester of college and I've learned a lot more than I thought I would. Among the most important things I've learned, I've learned to simply trust in this moment. Right here. Right now. Trust in the moment you finish a test, even if you don't think you did well. Trust in the moment you say hi to someone new, even if they didn't say hi back. Trust in the moment you decide to stick it out at work, even if you're not sure why you haven't quit. Trust in the moment you register for next semester, even if you didn't get all of your first choice classes. Trust in the moment you let a guy sweep you off your feet, even if you're not sure where it's headed. Just trust in this moment. 

And you know what? It's terrifying. Sometimes it feels as if the moment I decide to trust is the moment I let go of my control. But the truth is . . .  it's going to be okay. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, even if you never find out what that reason is. If you put forth every effort you have . . . somehow everything will work out. 

This is a confusing time in life (as if any time isn't lol). And now is when I've realized that I really don't know anything. At all. What a blow that is after our all-knowing teenage years! And not knowing what's coming scares me more than almost anything. I mean how can you prepare for something you know nothing about? By trusting. 

Trust that, in this moment, you are headed in the right direction. 

Trust that, in this moment, you have people who love you and want to help.

Trust that, in this moment, you have endless opportunities.

Trust that, in this moment, you can be happy. 

This moment is all we have. The past is gone and the future isn't here yet. So trust in this moment. This small little blip in time. And while we're at it, in this moment . . . live. :)

"Him"

Note to Self:

There's the good, the bad, and the ugly . . . and then there's him. 

Into my fifth week in college and well . . . it's certainly no piece of cake. School, work, friends, roommates, boys . . . and you're thrown into it all at once. I'm sure I'll do posts about some of those other aspects in the near future, but for right now I've gotta talk about the boys. 

Of course there are the "good" guys. The guys who hold open doors for you. They talk with you and sincerely listen. They get good grades and maybe they even go to church. They seem to be perfect. And you know . . . there really are a lot of these guys if you look for them. 

Then there are the "bad" guys. The ones who break all the rules and never go to class. The ones who do anything and everything because they just don't care and they want to be "cool." 

And then there are the "ugly" guys. No not physically, I'm talking about the guys who really just have ugly personalities. The guys who don't have any respect for anyone. The guys who treat girls like property and worse. The guys who treat other guys like dirt, too. These are also the guys who are complete morons and think that telling a girl they want to go watch porn is going to help them out . . . Yes, this idiot exists. LOL 

I've only been in college for four weeks and I've already met all three kinds of guys. Many times over. And the thing is, in college we're all getting to the point in our lives when we're looking for that special someone, you know? And honestly the prospects don't always look that great haha it's just the ugly truth. But out of these guys, obviously it's the good guys that you want. How could you ask for more? 

But you know what? You can. Because there's one more category. And that category is "him." And he's different. Because he's not going to be perfect . . . but he's going to be perfect for you. He's going to do things that drive you crazy. He's going to say things that you wouldn't believe. He's going to make you listen to his music in the car. He's going to like to do things that you may despise. But at the same time, he's going to be there for you in ways no one ever has before. He's going to somehow say and do all the right things when you need them. He's going to make you laugh and smile. He's going to be the reason for your good days and the one you go to on your bad days. He's the one who knows every little thing about you and will never take advantage of that. He'll be the one that when he leaves you miss him like crazy, but it still feels like he's there with you. He'll make you want to be a better you, and help you to do that. He'll support you in everything. He'll help you grow and learn. He'll watch chick flicks with you. And even better, he'll let you watch Bride Day on TLC. ;)

The hardest part about "him" though, is that he can change. Because we change. There can be a "him" at one point in your life and then you grow up and change and now "him" is someone else. But if this is true, then how do we ever find that special someone? I'll tell you what I believe:

I believe that someday you will find a "him" that is different from the other ones. This one is different in the way that when you change . . . you change TOGETHER. And in this way, he can be your "him" and you can be his "her" forever.

I've had "hims" before. I have a "him" now. . . and I don't even pretend to know yet if he is the "him." And that's okay because I know that someday I will know. And when that day comes all of this unknown will be worth it. Someday I will find my forever "him." And until then I just have to be the best that I can be to deserve being his "her."

So, all my single ladies . . . stay strong. Stay true to yourself and your values and what you want. Because there are a lot of dirtbags out there who will make you think you don't deserve any better . . . but don't get discouraged. There's also "him." :) 

Storms are beautiful

Note to Self:

When it rains, it pours. But sometimes storms are beautiful.

Where I live it has stormed almost everyday for about three weeks . . . and I've loved every second of it.  I love standing in the rain and feeling the constant pound of water droplets on my skin. I love feeling the thunder as it seems to shake every part of me. I love watching as the lightning lights up the entire scene as if it were the middle of the day. To me, it's beautiful. 

But thunderstorms aren't the only kind of storms, are they? Sometimes there are personal storms: life storms. There are moments when everything seems to come at you all at once. Maybe you realize that life after high school isn't so easy. Maybe you start to see all of the things that your scholarship DOESN'T pay for. Maybe you realize that soon you'll be in a completely new place with no familiar faces. Maybe you haven't seen your dad in over two weeks. Maybe your best friend is leaving. Maybe you're scared out of your mind. But you know . . . sometimes storms are beautiful. 

When trials come one by one it's easier to get through them and I am SO grateful for those times. But the times when I've learned and grown the most are the times when the trials have been piled on a mile high. And to me, those times are beautiful. 

In the moment, it sucks. A lot. Saying goodbye is horrible. Getting hurt . . . well, it hurts. Crying yourself to sleep is not fun. 

Then you wake up. 

And it's not true what they tell you . . . just because it's a new day doesn't mean it's going to be an easier day. But waking up you do realize how good it felt to just let it out . . . to cry and let that storm come. Maybe the storm will last longer than you hoped or longer than you feel you can take, but you can make it to the end. You don't have to get out and dance in the rain of your life storm. You don't have to enjoy every second of it. 

The tears and the hurt are there to help you know you're alive. Isn't it true that sometimes when we're happy we feel like it's all a dream? These storms that come, they're there to bring you back down to earth and to teach you what life is really all about. It's about learning and overcoming and growing. And someday you'll see that rainbow. Maybe not today or tomorrow or even next week. But it will come. 

Life is full of storms and rainbows. Your life is a fairytale . . . a perfect story with tragedy and happiness strung together in all the right places. And, as in every fairytale, someday you will have your happily ever after. 

My life hasn't been completely tragic and it sure hasn't been perfect either. But it's my life. Sometimes I have to go through hard things. And even though it can be hard to see in the moment, I really believe that those hard things--those storms--are beautiful. They shape every part of who I am now and the person I am trying to become. Without them I just wouldn't be me, and even though I know I'm not perfect . . . I'm pretty happy with the person I'm becoming. :)

So yeah . . . when it rains, it pours. But I believe those storms are beautiful. 

P.S. If I sound "preachy" at all, just know that when I say "you" I'm really talking to myself as well. So if I'm "preachy" I'm really just preaching to myself . . . haha 

One Little Word - may it be a great year

Note to Self: 

Resolutions are easy to make, easy to forget about, and hard to keep. Maybe this is the year to forget resolutions and think, instead, about One Little Word. 

As 2012 came to an end, I began to think about resolutions. Every year I make them, and every year I'm a little disappointed by the progress (or lack of) that I made. Overall, 2012 was a good year and the resolutions I made back in January were ones that I was able to keep up with; ones that changed my life. I know I could have done better, though. 

This year I came across a blog post (http://www.lizlamoreux.com/be-present-be-here/a-word-to-guide-the-way.html) and found the idea for One Little Word. The original idea came from Ali Edwards (http://www.bigpictureclasses.com/onelittleword2013.php) and the idea is this:

"A single word can be a powerful thing. It can be the ripple in the pond that changes everything. It can be sharp and biting or rich and soft and slow. From my own personal experience, it can be a catalyst for enriching your life.

In 2006, I began a tradition of choosing one word for myself each January--a word that I can focus on, meditate on, and reflect upon as I go about my daily life. My words have included play, peace, vitality, nurture, story, light and up. These words have each become a part of my life in one way or another. They've been embedded into who I am, and into who I'm becoming. They've been what I've needed (and didn't know I needed). They've helped me to breathe deeper, to see clearer and to grow." - Ali Edwards

Honestly, I thought the idea was brilliant. So, for 2013, I've decided to go along for the ride. 

For those of you who know me, you know that I love words. I keep a journal, I write stories and poems and all my little "Note to Self"'s. That's a lot of words! I thought choosing my OLW (one little word) would be a simple task. I was wrong. 

I began by just jotting down significant words that popped into my head. Some of the first were "begin", "chance", "think", "trust", and "do". This list soon turned into a list of 33 words that I had found some sort of significance in. And, with this list, I was no closer to my goal of ONE. I started to define each word and find synonyms (which ultimately led to more words). After I had defined them all, I started crossing them out. I took each word one by one, trying to find the one that meant the most to me.

Finally I had reduced the list to three words. Change. Become. Courage. 

This was when it got really tough. I went through moments when I believed each of those words would be perfect. Then I noticed that while I thought of each word, one of the three appeared in every thought. 

After a long process I finally found my word for 2013:

2013 will be the year I had the courage to:

• Stand up for myself and what I stand for
• Become the person I want to be
• State my opinion
• Stand out from the crowd
• Change my life for the better
• Take risks
• Stop being so afraid and start living instead
• Accept the changes that will inevitably come
• Make new friends
• Trust people
• Trust myself
• Be spontaneous
• Let go of expectations 

And, above all, 2013 will be the year I have the courage to just be happy. 

I have no idea where this OLW will take me throughout the year. I don't know what it will teach me, but I'm ready to find out. 

What's your One Little Word? 

May this be a great year!