My Stomach and My Anxiety

Note to Self: 

This is SO COOL!

Hi, everyone! This post is a little different because it's not really a note to myself. This is a post where I really just want to share a part of my life and my story with all of you!

Over the last few weeks I've been researching and writing a paper (okay, you got me, I wrote the paper in a day haha) about the bidirectional relationship between the gastrointestinal tract and anxiety, and the effect of probiotics on that relationship. 

This topic didn’t just come from some weird obsession I have with stomachs or psychological disorders (though I think both are fascinating). I chose this topic because I have struggled with both gastrointestinal issues and anxiety problems for years. I have what is referred to as a "functional gastrointestinal disorder." This means that there’s something wrong with the way my body is working, but there are no clear, structural causes. Basically, no matter how many doctors and specialists I go to, they all tell me that I’m just fine. In fact, I found the term I used early to define my stomach issues on my own. No doctor ever told me I had a "functional GI disorder," but that is literally what has been happening. The doctors who didn’t tell me I was fine (structurally), decided that my GI issues must be caused by anxiety. The problem with that idea is I didn’t feel anxious or stressed at all when this all started. My stomach issues began the summer after 8th grade... what on earth would I have to be that stressed about? School was over, summer was good, I had a great life. It was nearly impossible for me to find any correlation between the problems in my stomach and stress.

Fast-forward about five years. The GI discomfort continued regularly throughout that time. I found little relief in various prescriptions, but, for the most part, it was something that I had come to think of as just a part of me. At this point, though, I began to develop intense anxiety, which eventually led to full-on panic attacks. People joke about those... like "calm down, don't have a panic attack." Seriously, though... they are no joking matter. My first panic attack TERRIFIED me. I'll never joke about that again. Now, I will admit that this was a much more stressful time in my life. Transitioning to life as an adult, figuring out college, thinking about getting married... they're stressful things. But it troubled me that I was having such intense anxiety and panic attacks when I couldn't remember ever feeling anything near that before. 

At this point, my doctors still believed that my GI problems came from my anxiety. It is true that in times when I felt noticeably anxious, I had some GI discomfort. THIS FELT DIFFERENT. It's not something I could easily describe to a doctor (or to anyone) but the stomach pain that came from my anxiety felt completely different from the stomach pain that I had been experiencing for years. Even if my doctors couldn't distinguish between the two, I knew there was a difference. 

Fast-forward, again, (about a year) to my Biopsychology class this semester. My professor (love that woman) briefly mentioned that bacteria in the stomach can have an effect on anxiety and then moved onto our next topic. After class I approached her to clarify. I told her about some of my issues and that doctors always told me that my anxiety caused my stomach issues. She told me that's usually true, but that the relationship can go the other way, as well. I was amazed! This suggested that my stomach problems could have actually influenced my anxiety! I decided this relationship would be the perfect topic for my research paper. My professor actually suggested I talk about probiotics as well, and I am so glad she did. 

I won't bore you with my actual APA formatted research paper (though, if you're interested, I would be happy to email you a copy), but I would like to briefly summarize all that I've learned. 

Typically the relationship has been viewed from a top-down perspective: the idea that our GI tract is influenced by the physical and emotional stress we are experiencing. This makes sense and is a very real part of the relationships inside our bodies. However, it says nothing about the other aspect. The microbiota (bacteria) in the GI tract are actually a crucial part of how the brain is influenced by the body. This includes the influence on the risk of disorders such as anxiety.

How exactly does this relationship work? How does the GI tract influence our brain? 

Going back to the top-down perspective, stress can actually influence how permeable the intestines are. This gives the bacteria access to the peripheral nervous system. Without going into too much detail, there is a portion of our PNS that is designed to send information about digestive processes to the central nervous system (aka: our brain). The signal sent from the GI tract to the brain influences the neurotransmitters in the hypothalamus and the amygdala, which are both areas involved with processing anxiety-related emotions. 

Now, ideally, every relationship in our body exists to serve a purpose. What purpose would this signal serve? The nerves that send this signal are sensitive to dangerous bacteria in our stomach. It sends the signal as a kind of warning. Which, looking from an evolutionary perspective, makes sense! Food poisoning (and other things) can leave an animal (or human) vulnerable so the body needs to warn the brain that it needs to be more cautious (and, in turn, anxious) than normal. Tada! It makes sense. 

My next question had to do with what could be done to influence this relationship so that I could "fix" myself. As my professor hinted, probiotics are the most promising answer. Probiotics work to displace the potentially dangerous bacteria in our GI tract, which makes it of greater benefit to the individual. This also improves mental health because of the signals I talked about earlier! 

Studies with mice have shown that probiotic treatment can reverse anxiety-like behavior in mice that have GI inflammation. While there haven't been many human studies yet, the ones that have been done have shown evidence that probiotics do have an anxiolytic effect in humans as well. These findings are promising and could lead to more clinical trials with probiotic treatments in humans. The hope is that the bacteria in the GI tract could be targeted for therapy related to anxiety disorders. A combination of probiotic treatment and traditional therapy could be very beneficial. 

So there's what I've learned so far! This has truly been the most interesting research project I've ever done. While I know it's impossible to do a true study on myself, I believe that I have already been applying what I've learned, without even realizing it! Which is so cool! Over the summer I started drinking Greens every day. Since then, I've noticed a decrease in the frequency of my "stomach flare-ups" as I call them, as well as a decrease in my anxiety. Yes, I still get anxious... but I couldn't tell you the last time I had a panic attack. And that is truly amazing. It turns out that Greens are a probiotic. After all the research I've done for this paper, it really makes sense that this drink could have helped me in those areas! Even if I can't count this as "real research," I feel great about it. Anything that can have any effect on all my issues is a life saver to me. 

I know that I'm not "cured," but if you could only feel and understand the relief that I have experienced over the last few months! I haven't felt this healthy (both physically and mentally) in a long time and I am so grateful. I plan on researching this topic more, for sure. Maybe I'll even have my GI microbiome tested to see if it really has just been pesky bad bacteria messing with me all this time. Because this is just my hypothesis right now haha Anyway, I'm excited to see where this takes me! 

Sorry if you thought that was boring. I just had to share it because I think it is SO COOL! And I just can't stop smiling about the whole thing... so yeah :) I hope you all have a great day!

Again, feel free to message me if you want more of the information that I gathered or the sources that I've been learning from! I'd be happy to talk with you! :) 

kenna.m.4life@gmail.com 

Sexual Harassment

Note to Self:

It's real. And it is NOT OK. 

Hello, all. This is my story about my experience with sexual harassment at work.

If you know me personally and have taken on a more "protective" role in my life, you may not want to read this. For your own sake. I'm sure you will anyway, but I'd advise you not to. I don't need you to worry about me and I certainly don't need you to tell me that I "should have come to you."
Believe me, I know.

I am writing this post for those (especially young women) who are in this situation. My goal is simply to be one more voice of advice and story among many. Maybe just one person will relate to my story. Hopefully even just one person will be encouraged to get out of an awful situation. If not, I hope you all enjoy my diary-like post about my story, anyway. 

We've all heard the talks before. Whenever we get a new job, there is at least one training about sexual harassment. They're almost all the same. Usually you have to sit through those awful videos (that you know haven't been redone since the 80s) for an hour or so, learning about how unacceptable sexual harassment is. You learn about what counts as sexual harassment and what you're supposed to do if you feel like a victim. Then you have to sign some paper that says you "understand" and you move onto learning the things that you will actually be doing at your new job. 

I'll admit, after the first couple sexual harassment courses, I kind of tuned out. It's the same info. I had an attitude that led me to believe I would never put up with something like that and anyone who does is stupid. Especially girls who put up with it from male coworkers and don't tell anyone. "They are just STUPID."

Well... then, I guess I was stupid.

I knew that my coordinator was creepy. I knew that most of the girls requested not to work with him. I just didn't care. I thought I knew better. After all, I had that attitude and belief that I would never let myself get into an uncomfortable situation like this. Plus, he told me I reminded him of his daughter... I assumed I was safe.

It started really subtle. Things like him standing closer to me than he did with the guys or calling me over to his desk to show me something on the computer. Things that you don't necessarily think about being bad at all. I just ignored it.

Then, one day, he called me "baby." It was at the end of a sentence and was slurred together... I thought that I must have misheard him. There was NO WAY he just called me that. I ignored it.

A while later (weeks) he called me "baby" again... and I knew this time that I hadn't misheard. But I didn't do anything. I ignored it.

This happened on and off for months... along with inappropriate conversations about his dating life and other things. But other people were always there... so I didn't do or say anything. I ignored it.

I was stupid.

I don't like confrontation. I knew that it could jeopardize my job if I said anything (no, not legally, but we all understand the politics and the unwritten consequences). This was the only coordinator I worked with. In the only center that I worked in. I had been promoted to supervisor here. I knew that if I said anything, I could be held back or sent to a different center where I would be well behind the other employees. I needed this job. I needed the pay that I was making and the hours I was able to work with my current position. So I ignored it.

Then, one day, I heard him call another female coworker "baby." She didn't hear it, and it's possible that I misheard, but it was enough for me to reach out. I asked her about it. Asked her if she heard it. She said no. I explained that it had been happening to me for months, but that I didn't know what to do or say to anyone about it. We talked. I felt more justification in all of my feelings... the uncomfortable aspect for sure. But also the confusion about what I should do. I told myself that if it happened again, I wouldn't put up with it. I would call him out.

The next week, he called me "baby" in front of 3 other coworkers and a student (I work at a university). I didn't know what to do. Everyone was there and I didn't want to cause a scene with the student there... So I ignored it.

Later that day he went to a meeting. The two other women that had been working at the time (one of which the one I had talked to before) told me that they heard him say it and that it wasn't ok. They told me that they would back me if I talked to him or if I wanted to go directly to HR. I knew I needed to confront him.

I took the rest of that night to really think and pray about it. Asking for and getting up the courage to do it first thing in the morning when I got to work. He wasn't there and had meetings for almost my entire 4-hour shift. By the end, I had almost lost my nerve. I could feel my heart racing and I knew that I was so close to just giving up and ignoring it again. But I knew I needed to say something or this anxious feeling would never go away. I would continue to feel uncomfortable at work.

At the end of my shift, I asked him if I could talk to him for a minute. I simply said, "You've been calling me "baby" a lot and it makes me really uncomfortable. It needs to stop." I was so proud of myself for standing up for myself and telling him off. Then he said, "Oh, I've caught myself a couple times. I just call everyone that. My kids, my friends, everyone." My heart broke. He was blowing it off. I told him again that it made me uncomfortable and it really needed to stop and he said he'd try. That was the end of the conversation.

The next day I was talking with a female coworker about it. She told me that this man had said/done inappropriate things to her as well. She went to our boss and reported it. The boss said that lots of girls had complaints about this man. The only action he took? Not to schedule those specific girls with that coordinator anymore.

EXCUSE ME?

This man had been sexually harassing multiple employees over a long period of time and NOTHING had been done about it. I was infuriated.

After I confronted the coordinator, I decided that I would wait it out; see if the behaviors continued, and go from there. But after I learned about the other girls, I knew I couldn't stay quiet anymore. Later that day I called one of the women who said she would go to HR with me and told her the new information. She agreed that we at least had to report it so it was on record.

A couple days later I got a call from one of the other coordinators. He told me that he had found out about everything going on and got an investigator (through the university) to handle the issue. He asked if I would be willing to talk with the investigator and if I knew anyone else who might have anything to add. I agreed that I would talk to him and do anything else I needed to, to help resolve this.

So then I played the waiting game, waiting for the investigator to call.

That weekend my husband came home from a trip and I new it was finally time to talk to him about it. Like I mentioned before, I hadn't talked to anyone about it outside of my two coworkers. No friends, family, not even my husband. I felt awful about not telling him. Guilty. But I also felt embarrassed and guilty about the whole encounter. I had been going through the whole thing alone and I so badly wanted to have him by my side. So I explained everything. I knew that he would be there with me every step of the way. Encouraging me through the hard parts. Understand when I had a really rough day at work. I was so relieved to finally have him understand what had been happening.

The investigator called the following evening and we talked for a good while. Honestly I was terrified about that phone call before it happened. But it was obvious that the investigator had a lot of experience in this and he truly cared about the situation and cared about me as a person. I told him everything I knew and everything that had happened. I asked if he would inform be before confronting my coordinator, and he agreed that would probably be beneficial for me.

And that was that.

It's been a few weeks now. Most of it is all "hush hush." I hear things every once in a while either from my boss or from the investigator, but I'm sure soon it'll all be out in the open.

As of today, I turned in my letter of resignation. I'll finish out the summer at this job, but will not be continuing in the Fall. I informed my boss that I was willing to keep in contact through the duration of the investigation, however long that takes.

It's bittersweet. I'm scared to move on. I've had this job basically the entire time I've been in college. I know it's time, though. It was a toxic situation that I didn't feel comfortable in and it's good that I found a way out.

As I mentioned earlier, I am writing this post for people who have been or are currently in similar situations. I know that many situations are worse than my own, but I wanted to share it anyway. And I would like to end it with a few things I wish I had heard before now:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. 

YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS.

THERE IS HELP AVAILABLE.

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.

DO NOT FEEL ASHAMED.

YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS. 

If any of you are in this situation and want someone to talk to, I am here with an open heart and mind and a listening ear. If I can help even one person get through this situation, I will do it. You can email me at kenna.m.4life@gmail.com. If you don't want to talk to me, please, PLEASE talk to someone. There is help available. There is a way out. You don't have to put up with this.

Sexual harassment is real. And it is NOT OK.

P.S. If any of you know where I work specifically, I would appreciate it if you didn't mention anything about it. The investigation is still going on and while I made this post as anonymous as possible, I know a few of you will likely know who I'm talking about. Please keep the specifics that you know confidential so that this may all run as smoothly as possible. Thank you. 

Positivity

Note to Self:

Surround yourself with positivity. Positive people. Positive words. Positive energy. 

It's been a couple months! But have I learned a lot in that time. 

Two months ago I was just heading into the last few weeks of my 4th semester in college. Finals were coming and stress levels were rising. You probably wouldn't know it, but I was in a pretty bad place. The only person who really understands this is my husband and I appreciate him being by my side through it all. 

I was depressed. Not clinically, not officially diagnosed, but just depressed. I was negative... a lot. I would joke in public and with friends and try to be the happy, upbeat person I felt like I should be. When I got home, though, it wasn't the same story. I would cry for no reason and get upset at the smallest things. I'd sit and not want to do anything. I'd watch Netflix and not really even pay attention. I new something had to change. My husband was so patient and kind with me through it all... but I was starting to get impatient with myself. I didn't understand why I was so down and couldn't seem to get back up. I'm still not sure. I can only guess that it was just a rough patch. But that rough patch brought on a lot of significant changes in my life. 

Two months ago I decided to join as an independent distributor with It Works! It was a huge decision and I was scared to take the leap. What pushed me over the edge? I knew I needed to make a change in my life. If you read my previous post about it ( http://notetoselfcollection.blogspot.com/2015/03/it-works.html ) you'll see that my reasons for joining were: 1) earn another income to be more financially stable, 2) help myself and others reach goals, and 3) become more confident and grow as a person. 

I've only been in for two months and I've already seen these changes starting to take place in my life. For that, I am extremely grateful. But I never could have imagined the biggest change that would take place. 

After I joined, I started to watch the people on my team. For the most part, people were really happy. Not just with their business, but with their life in general. I noticed that the people who succeeded and the people who were genuinely happy all had one thing in common: POSITIVITY. They didn't let bad days get them down. They didn't listen to the haters and the negativity. They believed in themselves. They started each day with a positive attitude. That seemed to make all the difference. 

So. One month ago, after watching everyone else for a month and learning from their example, I started to fill my life with positivity. I started to post motivational and inspiration quotes on Instagram/Facebook nearly every day. I wanted to help other people. I knew that there were going to be times when people wouldn't have a single positive thought throughout their day. It had happened to me. And I wanted to change that. If my quote for that day helped even one person, it was worth it. I didn't even realize the effect it would have on me, until recently. 

My life has been influenced greatly by the positive quotes and images that I have found. I search for a few minutes every day and find more quotes to add to my folder. Those few minutes every day have changed my life for the better. Surround yourself with positive words! Everyday I am so impressed by the change it has made in my life. Just a few positive thoughts can change everything! 

Then, there are people. There are negative people... I was one of them. If you're someone who isn't stuck in a negativity rut, do what you can to be just a little bit of positive in their life. You never know the influence you could have. 

That being said, you have to be selfish sometimes. Sometimes, you have to worry about YOU. It can be easy to get caught up in trying to help others be happy. It's not a bad thing to want to help! But it's also possible to drown in the negativity. Learn yourself. Learn the people you interact with. Learn which people are having a positive impact on your life. Learn which people you can only handle in small doses. It's OKAY. It's okay to need a break. 

You have to take care of yourself... surround yourself with positive people who are going to lift you up! You don't have to abandon the other people in your life, the ones who might be having a harder time, but you have to be able to maintain a balance. You can't help anyone if you're not taking care of yourself first. 

I hope this all made sense... it kind of feels like word vomit now that I think about it.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is: positivity can change your life. Do everything you can to make that change! :) 

Thank you to all of those wonderful, positive people in my life! You've made a huge difference!!