Note to Self:
It's real. And it is NOT OK.
Hello, all. This is my story about my experience with sexual harassment at work.
If you know me personally and have taken on a more "protective" role in my life, you may not want to read this. For your own sake. I'm sure you will anyway, but I'd advise you not to. I don't need you to worry about me and I certainly don't need you to tell me that I "should have come to you."
Believe me, I know.
I am writing this post for those (especially young women) who are in this situation. My goal is simply to be one more voice of advice and story among many. Maybe just one person will relate to my story. Hopefully even just one person will be encouraged to get out of an awful situation. If not, I hope you all enjoy my diary-like post about my story, anyway.
If you know me personally and have taken on a more "protective" role in my life, you may not want to read this. For your own sake. I'm sure you will anyway, but I'd advise you not to. I don't need you to worry about me and I certainly don't need you to tell me that I "should have come to you."
Believe me, I know.
I am writing this post for those (especially young women) who are in this situation. My goal is simply to be one more voice of advice and story among many. Maybe just one person will relate to my story. Hopefully even just one person will be encouraged to get out of an awful situation. If not, I hope you all enjoy my diary-like post about my story, anyway.
We've all heard the talks before. Whenever we get a new job, there is at least one training about sexual harassment. They're almost all the same. Usually you have to sit through those awful videos (that you know haven't been redone since the 80s) for an hour or so, learning about how unacceptable sexual harassment is. You learn about what counts as sexual harassment and what you're supposed to do if you feel like a victim. Then you have to sign some paper that says you "understand" and you move onto learning the things that you will actually be doing at your new job.
I'll admit, after the first couple sexual harassment courses, I kind of tuned out. It's the same info. I had an attitude that led me to believe I would never put up with something like that and anyone who does is stupid. Especially girls who put up with it from male coworkers and don't tell anyone. "They are just STUPID."
Well... then, I guess I was stupid.
I knew that my coordinator was creepy. I knew that most of the girls requested not to work with him. I just didn't care. I thought I knew better. After all, I had that attitude and belief that I would never let myself get into an uncomfortable situation like this. Plus, he told me I reminded him of his daughter... I assumed I was safe.
It started really subtle. Things like him standing closer to me than he did with the guys or calling me over to his desk to show me something on the computer. Things that you don't necessarily think about being bad at all. I just ignored it.
Then, one day, he called me "baby." It was at the end of a sentence and was slurred together... I thought that I must have misheard him. There was NO WAY he just called me that. I ignored it.
A while later (weeks) he called me "baby" again... and I knew this time that I hadn't misheard. But I didn't do anything. I ignored it.
This happened on and off for months... along with inappropriate conversations about his dating life and other things. But other people were always there... so I didn't do or say anything. I ignored it.
I wasstupid.
I don't like confrontation. I knew that it could jeopardize my job if I said anything (no, not legally, but we all understand the politics and the unwritten consequences). This was the only coordinator I worked with. In the only center that I worked in. I had been promoted to supervisor here. I knew that if I said anything, I could be held back or sent to a different center where I would be well behind the other employees. I needed this job. I needed the pay that I was making and the hours I was able to work with my current position. So I ignored it.
Then, one day, I heard him call another female coworker "baby." She didn't hear it, and it's possible that I misheard, but it was enough for me to reach out. I asked her about it. Asked her if she heard it. She said no. I explained that it had been happening to me for months, but that I didn't know what to do or say to anyone about it. We talked. I felt more justification in all of my feelings... the uncomfortable aspect for sure. But also the confusion about what I should do. I told myself that if it happened again, I wouldn't put up with it. I would call him out.
The next week, he called me "baby" in front of 3 other coworkers and a student (I work at a university). I didn't know what to do. Everyone was there and I didn't want to cause a scene with the student there... So I ignored it.
Later that day he went to a meeting. The two other women that had been working at the time (one of which the one I had talked to before) told me that they heard him say it and that it wasn't ok. They told me that they would back me if I talked to him or if I wanted to go directly to HR. I knew I needed to confront him.
I took the rest of that night to really think and pray about it. Asking for and getting up the courage to do it first thing in the morning when I got to work. He wasn't there and had meetings for almost my entire 4-hour shift. By the end, I had almost lost my nerve. I could feel my heart racing and I knew that I was so close to just giving up and ignoring it again. But I knew I needed to say something or this anxious feeling would never go away. I would continue to feel uncomfortable at work.
At the end of my shift, I asked him if I could talk to him for a minute. I simply said, "You've been calling me "baby" a lot and it makes me really uncomfortable. It needs to stop." I was so proud of myself for standing up for myself and telling him off. Then he said, "Oh, I've caught myself a couple times. I just call everyone that. My kids, my friends, everyone." My heart broke. He was blowing it off. I told him again that it made me uncomfortable and it really needed to stop and he said he'd try. That was the end of the conversation.
The next day I was talking with a female coworker about it. She told me that this man had said/done inappropriate things to her as well. She went to our boss and reported it. The boss said that lots of girls had complaints about this man. The only action he took? Not to schedule those specific girls with that coordinator anymore.
EXCUSE ME?
This man had been sexually harassing multiple employees over a long period of time and NOTHING had been done about it. I was infuriated.
After I confronted the coordinator, I decided that I would wait it out; see if the behaviors continued, and go from there. But after I learned about the other girls, I knew I couldn't stay quiet anymore. Later that day I called one of the women who said she would go to HR with me and told her the new information. She agreed that we at least had to report it so it was on record.
A couple days later I got a call from one of the other coordinators. He told me that he had found out about everything going on and got an investigator (through the university) to handle the issue. He asked if I would be willing to talk with the investigator and if I knew anyone else who might have anything to add. I agreed that I would talk to him and do anything else I needed to, to help resolve this.
So then I played the waiting game, waiting for the investigator to call.
That weekend my husband came home from a trip and I new it was finally time to talk to him about it. Like I mentioned before, I hadn't talked to anyone about it outside of my two coworkers. No friends, family, not even my husband. I felt awful about not telling him. Guilty. But I also felt embarrassed and guilty about the whole encounter. I had been going through the whole thing alone and I so badly wanted to have him by my side. So I explained everything. I knew that he would be there with me every step of the way. Encouraging me through the hard parts. Understand when I had a really rough day at work. I was so relieved to finally have him understand what had been happening.
The investigator called the following evening and we talked for a good while. Honestly I was terrified about that phone call before it happened. But it was obvious that the investigator had a lot of experience in this and he truly cared about the situation and cared about me as a person. I told him everything I knew and everything that had happened. I asked if he would inform be before confronting my coordinator, and he agreed that would probably be beneficial for me.
And that was that.
It's been a few weeks now. Most of it is all "hush hush." I hear things every once in a while either from my boss or from the investigator, but I'm sure soon it'll all be out in the open.
As of today, I turned in my letter of resignation. I'll finish out the summer at this job, but will not be continuing in the Fall. I informed my boss that I was willing to keep in contact through the duration of the investigation, however long that takes.
It's bittersweet. I'm scared to move on. I've had this job basically the entire time I've been in college. I know it's time, though. It was a toxic situation that I didn't feel comfortable in and it's good that I found a way out.
As I mentioned earlier, I am writing this post for people who have been or are currently in similar situations. I know that many situations are worse than my own, but I wanted to share it anyway. And I would like to end it with a few things I wish I had heard before now:
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS.
THERE IS HELP AVAILABLE.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.
DO NOT FEEL ASHAMED.
YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS.
If any of you are in this situation and want someone to talk to, I am here with an open heart and mind and a listening ear. If I can help even one person get through this situation, I will do it. You can email me at kenna.m.4life@gmail.com. If you don't want to talk to me, please, PLEASE talk to someone. There is help available. There is a way out. You don't have to put up with this.
Sexual harassment is real. And it is NOT OK.
P.S. If any of you know where I work specifically, I would appreciate it if you didn't mention anything about it. The investigation is still going on and while I made this post as anonymous as possible, I know a few of you will likely know who I'm talking about. Please keep the specifics that you know confidential so that this may all run as smoothly as possible. Thank you.
I knew that my coordinator was creepy. I knew that most of the girls requested not to work with him. I just didn't care. I thought I knew better. After all, I had that attitude and belief that I would never let myself get into an uncomfortable situation like this. Plus, he told me I reminded him of his daughter... I assumed I was safe.
It started really subtle. Things like him standing closer to me than he did with the guys or calling me over to his desk to show me something on the computer. Things that you don't necessarily think about being bad at all. I just ignored it.
Then, one day, he called me "baby." It was at the end of a sentence and was slurred together... I thought that I must have misheard him. There was NO WAY he just called me that. I ignored it.
A while later (weeks) he called me "baby" again... and I knew this time that I hadn't misheard. But I didn't do anything. I ignored it.
This happened on and off for months... along with inappropriate conversations about his dating life and other things. But other people were always there... so I didn't do or say anything. I ignored it.
I was
I don't like confrontation. I knew that it could jeopardize my job if I said anything (no, not legally, but we all understand the politics and the unwritten consequences). This was the only coordinator I worked with. In the only center that I worked in. I had been promoted to supervisor here. I knew that if I said anything, I could be held back or sent to a different center where I would be well behind the other employees. I needed this job. I needed the pay that I was making and the hours I was able to work with my current position. So I ignored it.
Then, one day, I heard him call another female coworker "baby." She didn't hear it, and it's possible that I misheard, but it was enough for me to reach out. I asked her about it. Asked her if she heard it. She said no. I explained that it had been happening to me for months, but that I didn't know what to do or say to anyone about it. We talked. I felt more justification in all of my feelings... the uncomfortable aspect for sure. But also the confusion about what I should do. I told myself that if it happened again, I wouldn't put up with it. I would call him out.
The next week, he called me "baby" in front of 3 other coworkers and a student (I work at a university). I didn't know what to do. Everyone was there and I didn't want to cause a scene with the student there... So I ignored it.
Later that day he went to a meeting. The two other women that had been working at the time (one of which the one I had talked to before) told me that they heard him say it and that it wasn't ok. They told me that they would back me if I talked to him or if I wanted to go directly to HR. I knew I needed to confront him.
I took the rest of that night to really think and pray about it. Asking for and getting up the courage to do it first thing in the morning when I got to work. He wasn't there and had meetings for almost my entire 4-hour shift. By the end, I had almost lost my nerve. I could feel my heart racing and I knew that I was so close to just giving up and ignoring it again. But I knew I needed to say something or this anxious feeling would never go away. I would continue to feel uncomfortable at work.
At the end of my shift, I asked him if I could talk to him for a minute. I simply said, "You've been calling me "baby" a lot and it makes me really uncomfortable. It needs to stop." I was so proud of myself for standing up for myself and telling him off. Then he said, "Oh, I've caught myself a couple times. I just call everyone that. My kids, my friends, everyone." My heart broke. He was blowing it off. I told him again that it made me uncomfortable and it really needed to stop and he said he'd try. That was the end of the conversation.
The next day I was talking with a female coworker about it. She told me that this man had said/done inappropriate things to her as well. She went to our boss and reported it. The boss said that lots of girls had complaints about this man. The only action he took? Not to schedule those specific girls with that coordinator anymore.
EXCUSE ME?
This man had been sexually harassing multiple employees over a long period of time and NOTHING had been done about it. I was infuriated.
After I confronted the coordinator, I decided that I would wait it out; see if the behaviors continued, and go from there. But after I learned about the other girls, I knew I couldn't stay quiet anymore. Later that day I called one of the women who said she would go to HR with me and told her the new information. She agreed that we at least had to report it so it was on record.
A couple days later I got a call from one of the other coordinators. He told me that he had found out about everything going on and got an investigator (through the university) to handle the issue. He asked if I would be willing to talk with the investigator and if I knew anyone else who might have anything to add. I agreed that I would talk to him and do anything else I needed to, to help resolve this.
So then I played the waiting game, waiting for the investigator to call.
That weekend my husband came home from a trip and I new it was finally time to talk to him about it. Like I mentioned before, I hadn't talked to anyone about it outside of my two coworkers. No friends, family, not even my husband. I felt awful about not telling him. Guilty. But I also felt embarrassed and guilty about the whole encounter. I had been going through the whole thing alone and I so badly wanted to have him by my side. So I explained everything. I knew that he would be there with me every step of the way. Encouraging me through the hard parts. Understand when I had a really rough day at work. I was so relieved to finally have him understand what had been happening.
The investigator called the following evening and we talked for a good while. Honestly I was terrified about that phone call before it happened. But it was obvious that the investigator had a lot of experience in this and he truly cared about the situation and cared about me as a person. I told him everything I knew and everything that had happened. I asked if he would inform be before confronting my coordinator, and he agreed that would probably be beneficial for me.
And that was that.
It's been a few weeks now. Most of it is all "hush hush." I hear things every once in a while either from my boss or from the investigator, but I'm sure soon it'll all be out in the open.
As of today, I turned in my letter of resignation. I'll finish out the summer at this job, but will not be continuing in the Fall. I informed my boss that I was willing to keep in contact through the duration of the investigation, however long that takes.
It's bittersweet. I'm scared to move on. I've had this job basically the entire time I've been in college. I know it's time, though. It was a toxic situation that I didn't feel comfortable in and it's good that I found a way out.
As I mentioned earlier, I am writing this post for people who have been or are currently in similar situations. I know that many situations are worse than my own, but I wanted to share it anyway. And I would like to end it with a few things I wish I had heard before now:
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS.
THERE IS HELP AVAILABLE.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.
DO NOT FEEL ASHAMED.
YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS.
If any of you are in this situation and want someone to talk to, I am here with an open heart and mind and a listening ear. If I can help even one person get through this situation, I will do it. You can email me at kenna.m.4life@gmail.com. If you don't want to talk to me, please, PLEASE talk to someone. There is help available. There is a way out. You don't have to put up with this.
Sexual harassment is real. And it is NOT OK.
P.S. If any of you know where I work specifically, I would appreciate it if you didn't mention anything about it. The investigation is still going on and while I made this post as anonymous as possible, I know a few of you will likely know who I'm talking about. Please keep the specifics that you know confidential so that this may all run as smoothly as possible. Thank you.
