Note to Self:
Give yourself some freaking credit.
I've always been the kind of person that gets straight A's. The B I got in my undergrad still irks me. The one A- I got in my graduate program will probably always bother me. It's just who I am. It's not enough for me to just pass and do the minimum that you're supposed to do.
As a school counselor I work with all kinds of students. Students like me, but also students who have 0.13% in a class. (For those of you wondering, it's taken me over 5 months to see that percentage and not FREAK OUT inside). The thing you have to realize with those students is: that's probably not the only class they're failing. It's probably not the only thing in their life that points out they're a failure.
As a school counselor I get to help point out the ways in which they are succeeding.
That 0.13% means they turned in an assignment or participated in class in some way - and that's more than they did last week! The second day they don't skip their least favorite class, I point out how proud I am of them for doing something that is hard for them. Telling them they're still failing doesn't help and it doesn't make them more likely to turn in the next assignment or come back to class at all. You have to give them credit for what they're already doing, before they'll believe they can do anything more than that.
It doesn't matter that they're supposed to turn in every assignment and go to class everyday - this student starts somewhere different than the straight A student. What matters are the seemingly small successes they have each day.
Photo credit: Si Ni Li Photography
The last three months since my dad died, I've felt as though my mental health has made me a failure in many aspects of my life. My anxiety has been worse and depression has decided to make its way into the picture as well. I pretend to be fine and I go through the motions everyday, but I kind of just feel like a shadow.
Work has been especially hard. How can I possibly help this student sitting in my office when I can't even help myself? Those words I just said to them have not helped me in the last three months, so why should I believe it's helping them?
So what if I got out of bed and did my hair this morning? So what if I got to work on time? So what if I've been organizing and cleaning the house? That's what adults are supposed to do. I do those things because it's what I'm supposed to do.
Well, today I went to counseling for the first time in too long. Everyone jokes that psych majors/counselors are the ones who need counseling anyway, so no shame in admitting that's true. I think everyone could benefit from counseling at some point or another. Anyway, that's off topic. The point is, the new counselor I'm seeing gave me a wake-up call.
I talked to him about my day-to-day activities; how I go to work, sometimes make it to the gym, get the groceries, and have been trying harder to clean and organize the house - but those things are just what adults are supposed to do and I feel like I'm failing in so many ways. He told me it was a cop-out to say that adults are just supposed to do those things. I changed up the wording and said, "I mean, I have to go to work or I'd lose my job. If I lose my job we might lose our house or financial stability..."
He cut me off and said "Right. But some people do just that. They don't keep doing those things you say adults are just supposed to do." He then raised his voice and said:
GIVE YOURSELF SOME FREAKING CREDIT!
It shocked me; first of all that he raised his voice, and second of all that I had been missing this concept that I use with kids everyday.
He pointed out that today I got out of bed, did my hair, went to work, and made it into counseling even though it was hard for me to do. He pointed out that everyday for the last three months I've worked harder than I've ever had to before, just to do what I'm supposed to... and for that I deserve some credit.
I felt so stupid. I'm a counselor - I know this! But until that moment I didn't realize I was that student with 0.13% and I was also the person telling them that they're still failing so that small thing they did doesn't matter.
I know it will take time to really believe this and put it into practice in my life. It's not that easy for me to give myself credit for the "small" things I've been working so hard to do. It's not enough for me. But at least today the counselor managed to drive home a concept that my amazing husband has been trying to get me to believe all this time:
"You're doing great."
It doesn't matter what you're supposed to do. It matters what you do even though it may be the hardest thing in the world.
I don't know who else needed to hear this. I don't know who is going through the hardest time in their life, and faking it like I have been trying to do. It's OK - people don't need to know your struggle.
To the rest of the world it might just look like you're doing what you're supposed to... but give yourself credit for the hard things you've done today - every "little" success you've had - because right now that's what matters.
