Note to Self: 

The problem is, you think you have time. 

For the last few years I have been a strong believer in the whole "you don't need that kind of negativity in your life" and "take care of yourself" mindset. I wasn't just a passive follower, either, I was a strong advocate for it. The last month has changed all that. 

You see, about a year ago, my dad made some decisions that really messed with my head. It made my anxiety spike and put me on an emotional roller coaster. Everyone around me told me that it's ok to take some time to process and take care of myself - and put that relationship on hold. I believed them, and that's exactly what I did. I did for a couple months. And just as I was about ready to try again, we had a conversation that didn't go as well as we hoped, and I decided it was best to take even more time. 

Well, a month ago, my dad passed away unexpectedly. I took more time than we were given. And now I'd give anything to rewind and spend that time with him instead. The problem is, I thought I had time. I thought I had time to re-group, do some self-care, and still have time to fix things with him. I thought I'd have years ahead of us to build our relationship back up and spend time together. But I didn't. 

I hesitated sharing any of this because of what others might think - the judgement I might feel about all the time I took. But, quite honestly, this has been the hardest year for my mental health and I genuinely needed time to try and just be OK in general, let alone the time to mend relationships that were truly difficult at the time.

It's an understatement to say that my perspective on the matter has changed in the last 30 days. I cringe now when someone tells me to "take care of myself first." When students tell me their parents made them mad so they're not talking to them, I want to scream at them. (I don't of course, but it makes those conversations and my work as a school counselor quite difficult). I hope someday I can heal enough to find a balance in this area.

This is really hard for me to share. It's taken the whole month to even begin to be able to really put this into words. But I want to share it if it can help just one person have a change of heart and mend a relationship sooner than later. Because yes, self-care is important. Yes, sometimes you need time to process. I just urge you to think about how much time you actually need to process and think about how you leave things before you take that time. Because sometimes you won't get the time you thought you had.

I hope that you do - whoever you are reading this. I hope that time is kind to you and you have all the time in the world. I hope that a relationship never gets so hard that you need to take some time in the first place. But, just in case, I hope you keep this all in mind and I hope it can make a difference for you. 

I love you, Dad.

Life

Note to Self: 

Isn't life just incredible?

Five years ago I was starting my freshman year of college. I was living in a new city, my only friends nearby were my crazy roommates (miss you guys), and I had no idea what the future would hold. All I wanted was to focus on school and have, you know, the "college experience". (I had no idea that a few weeks in I had already met the man I'd marry.)

Four years ago I was getting ready to marry my best friend at only 19 years old. After one crazy year and going from "just having fun dating" to "give me that ring d*** it" my whole world changed. It wasn’t part of the plan I thought I had for my life, but I was so excited for our future together. 

Three years ago I discovered that I could graduate with my bachelors a year early if I switched some classes around, dropped my second minor, and took extra credits each semester. As soon as I discovered that I ran with it. It was stressful and I almost gave up when it came time to take the GRE - but I pushed through. 

Two years ago I started my masters program to become a school counselor. I was scared and couldn’t believe I had gotten to that point in my life! Because seriously? I never imagined at just 21 I would be married and graduated with my bachelors degree. 

One year ago my husband and I had just bought our first home and were quickly realizing all the fun that comes with homeownership (let alone owing a "fixer-upper"). It was crazy but I was so happy to have a home of our own with our little fur babies. 

This year I’ve started working as a school counselor. I’ve entered into the career that I’ve dreamed about the last few years and I’m anxiously anticipating being officially done with school. This month Stefen and I will also be celebrating 4 years of marriage. I have never been happier. 

That’s just the last five years... and if I’ve learned anything in those five years, it’s that I have absolutely no idea what the next five will bring! I’ve got goals and we have plans, but I know many of those will change. 

Luckily the other thing I’ve learned over the last five years is that things work out. I was just thinking the other day about where I am and how I got here. How one class led to another and even to a job opportunity; how one job opened the door to the next; and how I somehow ended up exactly where I needed to be. 

Life is just incredible. 

*and yes we do need a more recent family picture - but you try wrestling those monsters ;)