Note to Self: 

The problem is, you think you have time. 

For the last few years I have been a strong believer in the whole "you don't need that kind of negativity in your life" and "take care of yourself" mindset. I wasn't just a passive follower, either, I was a strong advocate for it. The last month has changed all that. 

You see, about a year ago, my dad made some decisions that really messed with my head. It made my anxiety spike and put me on an emotional roller coaster. Everyone around me told me that it's ok to take some time to process and take care of myself - and put that relationship on hold. I believed them, and that's exactly what I did. I did for a couple months. And just as I was about ready to try again, we had a conversation that didn't go as well as we hoped, and I decided it was best to take even more time. 

Well, a month ago, my dad passed away unexpectedly. I took more time than we were given. And now I'd give anything to rewind and spend that time with him instead. The problem is, I thought I had time. I thought I had time to re-group, do some self-care, and still have time to fix things with him. I thought I'd have years ahead of us to build our relationship back up and spend time together. But I didn't. 

I hesitated sharing any of this because of what others might think - the judgement I might feel about all the time I took. But, quite honestly, this has been the hardest year for my mental health and I genuinely needed time to try and just be OK in general, let alone the time to mend relationships that were truly difficult at the time.

It's an understatement to say that my perspective on the matter has changed in the last 30 days. I cringe now when someone tells me to "take care of myself first." When students tell me their parents made them mad so they're not talking to them, I want to scream at them. (I don't of course, but it makes those conversations and my work as a school counselor quite difficult). I hope someday I can heal enough to find a balance in this area.

This is really hard for me to share. It's taken the whole month to even begin to be able to really put this into words. But I want to share it if it can help just one person have a change of heart and mend a relationship sooner than later. Because yes, self-care is important. Yes, sometimes you need time to process. I just urge you to think about how much time you actually need to process and think about how you leave things before you take that time. Because sometimes you won't get the time you thought you had.

I hope that you do - whoever you are reading this. I hope that time is kind to you and you have all the time in the world. I hope that a relationship never gets so hard that you need to take some time in the first place. But, just in case, I hope you keep this all in mind and I hope it can make a difference for you. 

I love you, Dad.