A New Me

Note to Self:

You did it. 

Oy. If there's one thing I have a hard time doing, it's making friends. If you're my friend, you might not believe it. It is so true, though. 

I am unbearably shy. If you don't talk to me first, there is a 99% chance that I won't strike up a conversation (this goes for new people, not friends that I already have). I am terrified of being surrounded by people I don't know. Not because people, themselves, scare me. Not because I hate people. It's because I'm too scared to talk to any one of them. 

If you know me personally, or consider yourself a friend of mine, think about how we first met and got to know each other. I almost guarantee that you were the one to initiate the conversation. 

This goes for anyone who has come into my life at any time. Once you're my friend, I will absolutely talk to you. When people get to know me, they swear that I am the farthest thing from shy. And I'm not shy around my friends. I'm still more reserved than some of them, but I try haha 

By the time I graduated high school I had accumulated an amazing group of friends. Some of them I had been friends with since Jr. High. Others I met my senior year. Ultimately, they were everything I needed. As my senior year came to an end I realized that I would likely never see a lot of these people again. I knew some would stick around and we'd keep in touch, but we were all going in different directions. I knew that once I got to college I would have to, in a sense, start over. 

For this reason, college has been extremely difficult for me. 

My first semester at Weber State I had the amazing opportunity to live with amazing roommates. What a blessing that was.  These girls saved me that first semester. My entire outlook on college would have been much different without these three girls. While I heard many horror stories about roommates in college, I was lucky to be put with amazing girls and we all became great friends. After that first year, they all went off to do their own things in new places. I knew that I would have to find new friends again at college. 

I started that next semester freaking out. The start of every semester is the same for me. I know I'll have all new classes with all new people. It's nothing like high school, where you've grown up with these kids and know many (if not all) of them by name. Every semester I wonder if I'll have the courage to talk to someone and make a friend or if I'll be lucky enough to have someone befriend me. That next semester was really hard. I got to know a couple people in my classes and we'd chat in class a bit. It was nothing much more than that, though.

It's so strange . . . to be lonely but to be too scared to do anything about it. It's terrible, really.

That's why every semester starts out with anxiety. Not so much anxiety about the difficult semester ahead (though it is always difficult) . . . it's filled with anxiety rooted in my shy personality and my longing to make friends in my classes so I don't feel alone.

I expected this semester to be no different. I expected the anxiety, the rapid heart rate, and the shallow breaths . . . all of it. By today I have been to each of my classes once . . . and I realized today that I didn't have any of those feelings in any of my five classes. NOT ONCE. Not only did I not have any of those anxious feelings, but I TALKED to people! On my own! I talked to them first and started the conversations! Some of my classes have people I've met before, but I talked to NEW people as well. I started building relationships with these people! I am all too serious when I say that words cannot describe the relief and happiness I feel right now.

I've posted before about how I've been working to manage my anxiety, but this is something completely different. This is a problem I've been struggling with for my ENTIRE life. Something that may seem so simple to some, has been the reason for many fears and countless tears for me.

But I did it.

I've been crying as I've written this post . . . tears of the purest joy. These are things I never thought I would be able to say.

I still consider myself to be shy. But this, to me, is my first big step into the right direction. The direction that will help me take control of this aspect of myself and not allow it to hold me back as it has throughout my life.

This is the first step to a new me.

** I have made friends while at college and I consider you all friends still. I still consider my friends from high school friends as well. You all mean the world to me. This post isn't about not having you as friends anymore! It's about not needing (in an unhealthy way) people like you, who go out of your way to be friends with me . . . and being able to be the one to initiate more friendships. I hope that makes sense!