The right question

Note to self: 

You finally found a pet peeve that's more than just "bad drivers" or "popping knuckles" . . .

This is why asking me, "When are you planning on having kids?" is better than saying, "Don't have kids yet." And why "What are your plans for the future?" is even better. 

Being married is different than I expected in a lot of ways. Seriously, where's the handbook for this? But I thought I could expect one thing: everyone always asking me when we're going to have kids. 

That's what everyone always tells you to prepare for! I can't count the number of times I heard things like: "Just wait till you get married! You'll have everyone constantly asking you when you're going to have kids. It's the worst!" 

Well, it hasn't been quite like that. At least not for me. 

The majority of people who even bring up the topic of babies and children with me say something more along the lines of: 

"Don't have kids yet."

"Wait."

"You're not pregnant yet? That's so good!"

And, if I'm being honest, that's actually the worst. 

I feel like people kept getting so mad at others asking when they were going to have kids that all of society turned and now everyone thinks telling people not to have kids is the way to go. 

I kind of hate it. I know that some people are doing it because they just want to give advice that they wished they had received. Maybe they had kids super soon and regret not waiting longer. That's totally fine! But when we have kids is a choice that should be made only by my husband and I . . . and really you have no say in it. And if you tell me "don't have kids yet" I'm probably going to change the conversation because I'm super peeved but I know how to act civilized haha. 

SO. Here's why I would much rather you just ask when we're planning on having kids: 

When you ask something along the lines of, "When are you planning to have kids?", it opens up a conversation in which you acknowledge that this is our choice. It shows that you don't assume you know what's best for my family (which is exactly what it sounds like when someone tells me not to have kids yet). It lets me or my husband speak for ourselves. Honestly, making plans is one of my favorite things, and I have no problem talking through life plans with people. I think it's fun to share passions and ambitions and goals with friends! I won't be upset with you and think you're nosey (even though we're all nosey sometimes) and I won't tell you to mind your own business. I'll talk with you about the thoughts I have about bringing children into this world, like an adult. 

While asking me "when" is infinitely better than telling me "don't," asking "what" (as in "what are your plans") is even better. 

When you ask me "when" we're planning to have kids, you assume that we want to have kids (which, let's be real, there's a part of me that wanted a baby, like, yesterday) but not everyone plans to have kids! And that is their choice. That is OK. 

This is also a better question because it leaves it up to them whether they want to bring up having children or not. They may choose to tell you about career plans or buying a house or traveling . . . and if they don't bring up kids, you can respect it. This kind of question lets them tell you about the parts of their life that they think are important, instead of responding to the questions that someone else thinks are important. 

So, what I'm suggesting is that we stop telling people not to have kids and even stop asking when people plan to have kids. Instead, we should start asking people about their plans for the future. No assumptions. Just an open question that, I think, will open up amazing conversations. Conversations in which you learn so much about the other person. Where you can hear them talk about their passions, goals, and ambitions and see them light up. These are the kinds of conversations that we should be having with friends and family. To me, this is the right question. 

Maybe I'm an anomaly. Maybe I'm the only one who is peeved by this. If so, this is probably going to be an unpopular post! Haha. But I think this is important, so I decided to share it with all of you. 

And, for those of you who are now dying to ask me about kids or plans or anything of the sort, this is the only family I need right now :)  

(Apparently I'm throwing it back to Christmas because getting good pictures of all of us is near impossible haha)

But feel free to ask me about the future, anyway! I'd love to talk about life with you! :) 

Also, if you have any thoughts about this topic, I'd love to hear them! Comment below or shoot me an email! :)

This is why

Note to Self: 

This is one of the many reasons you've chosen him every day until now and will continue to choose him every day to come. 

Sometimes I sit and wonder how my husband and I ever came to be. I wonder this because if you knew us separately, you would wonder the same thing. Not because we don't make a good couple, but because we are quite different in a lot of ways.

I've had my whole life 'planned out' since the time I learned to think that far ahead, while Stefen loves spontaneity. I am the epitome of an overly anxious individual, while Stefen has this care-free, fun-loving personality. I'm a perfectionist (too much so) and he knows the value of making mistakes. I hate peanut butter and he loves it (gross). These are just a few of the differences we have, but it's the next one that I have been thinking about lately.

When the photographer says, "Pretend like I'm not here and just be yourselves," I look at him for ideas because I want the picture to be perfect . . . and without hesitation he tries to eat my whole face.

This is one of the many reasons why I choose him. Every day.

Because he brings out the silly in me. Because he cuts through the walls I've built. Because he knows how to make me laugh when that's the farthest thing on my mind. Because he never stops being himself. Because every day with him is an adventure that I never could have seen coming. Because, no matter what, I know that I can count on him.

He's a goofball, but he's my goofball. And while a previous self may have cringed at the thought of marrying someone who wasn't as 'serious' as I pretend to be, he is everything I need. I am so blessed to be his wife!

A New Me

Note to Self:

You did it. 

Oy. If there's one thing I have a hard time doing, it's making friends. If you're my friend, you might not believe it. It is so true, though. 

I am unbearably shy. If you don't talk to me first, there is a 99% chance that I won't strike up a conversation (this goes for new people, not friends that I already have). I am terrified of being surrounded by people I don't know. Not because people, themselves, scare me. Not because I hate people. It's because I'm too scared to talk to any one of them. 

If you know me personally, or consider yourself a friend of mine, think about how we first met and got to know each other. I almost guarantee that you were the one to initiate the conversation. 

This goes for anyone who has come into my life at any time. Once you're my friend, I will absolutely talk to you. When people get to know me, they swear that I am the farthest thing from shy. And I'm not shy around my friends. I'm still more reserved than some of them, but I try haha 

By the time I graduated high school I had accumulated an amazing group of friends. Some of them I had been friends with since Jr. High. Others I met my senior year. Ultimately, they were everything I needed. As my senior year came to an end I realized that I would likely never see a lot of these people again. I knew some would stick around and we'd keep in touch, but we were all going in different directions. I knew that once I got to college I would have to, in a sense, start over. 

For this reason, college has been extremely difficult for me. 

My first semester at Weber State I had the amazing opportunity to live with amazing roommates. What a blessing that was.  These girls saved me that first semester. My entire outlook on college would have been much different without these three girls. While I heard many horror stories about roommates in college, I was lucky to be put with amazing girls and we all became great friends. After that first year, they all went off to do their own things in new places. I knew that I would have to find new friends again at college. 

I started that next semester freaking out. The start of every semester is the same for me. I know I'll have all new classes with all new people. It's nothing like high school, where you've grown up with these kids and know many (if not all) of them by name. Every semester I wonder if I'll have the courage to talk to someone and make a friend or if I'll be lucky enough to have someone befriend me. That next semester was really hard. I got to know a couple people in my classes and we'd chat in class a bit. It was nothing much more than that, though.

It's so strange . . . to be lonely but to be too scared to do anything about it. It's terrible, really.

That's why every semester starts out with anxiety. Not so much anxiety about the difficult semester ahead (though it is always difficult) . . . it's filled with anxiety rooted in my shy personality and my longing to make friends in my classes so I don't feel alone.

I expected this semester to be no different. I expected the anxiety, the rapid heart rate, and the shallow breaths . . . all of it. By today I have been to each of my classes once . . . and I realized today that I didn't have any of those feelings in any of my five classes. NOT ONCE. Not only did I not have any of those anxious feelings, but I TALKED to people! On my own! I talked to them first and started the conversations! Some of my classes have people I've met before, but I talked to NEW people as well. I started building relationships with these people! I am all too serious when I say that words cannot describe the relief and happiness I feel right now.

I've posted before about how I've been working to manage my anxiety, but this is something completely different. This is a problem I've been struggling with for my ENTIRE life. Something that may seem so simple to some, has been the reason for many fears and countless tears for me.

But I did it.

I've been crying as I've written this post . . . tears of the purest joy. These are things I never thought I would be able to say.

I still consider myself to be shy. But this, to me, is my first big step into the right direction. The direction that will help me take control of this aspect of myself and not allow it to hold me back as it has throughout my life.

This is the first step to a new me.

** I have made friends while at college and I consider you all friends still. I still consider my friends from high school friends as well. You all mean the world to me. This post isn't about not having you as friends anymore! It's about not needing (in an unhealthy way) people like you, who go out of your way to be friends with me . . . and being able to be the one to initiate more friendships. I hope that makes sense! 

One Little Word - 2016

Note to Self: 

One little word is much easier to focus on than a list of resolutions . . .

A few years ago I cam across a blog post by Ali Edwards about One Little Word. 

"A single word can be a powerful thing. It can be the ripple in the pond that changes everything. It can be sharp and biting or rich and soft and slow. From my own personal experience, it can be a catalyst for enriching your life. In 2006, I began a tradition of choosing one word for myself each January--a word that I can focus on, meditate on, and reflect upon as I go about my daily life. My words have included play, peace, vitality, nurture, story, light and up. These words have each become a part of my life in one way or another. They've been embedded into who I am, and into who I'm becoming. They've been what I've needed (and didn't know I needed). They've helped me to breathe deeper, to see clearer and to grow." - Ali Edwards

I gave it a shot back in 2013 with the word 'courage' and it was an amazing experience. (Read more about it here: http://notetoselfcollection.blogspot.com/2013/12/courage.html)

Then in 2014 I chose to focus on the word 'commit.' It turns out that I didn't write about my experiences with that word . . . at least not on the blog. But that did turn out to be the year I made the biggest commitment of my life when I married my sweet husband. 

Last year got away from me (who knew marriage was such an adventure?)! So no little word followed me around in 2015.

This year, though, I want to start it up again. I am a few days into 2016 already, but it took me a while to decide on my word for this year. I started with words like 'adventure' and 'inspire'. . . even thinking of words like 'challenge' and 'positive.' Eventually, though, I decided that the one that stuck out the most is: 

Believe is such a beautiful word and I am so excited to focus on it throughout 2016. 

As I've learned in only the two years that I've chosen one little word, I have only the tiniest idea what this word could mean for me this year. I know that as I ponder and reflect on this word, it will become a part of my life in more ways than I could count. 

As of now, though, I will share the ideas I have for this word. To believe means to 'accept as true' and that is so powerful to me because if something is true it is a fact. The concept seems simple and obvious . . . but I think it's amazing. This year I want to focus on this. 

I want this to be the year I believe in myself and my potential. The saying goes: if you believe in yourself, you're halfway there. I believe it's more than halfway . . . possibly as much as 70/30. Our thoughts and beliefs are so powerful. If you believe in yourself, you can accomplish anything you work towards. I know that is true. Because I believe that our God would not make anything impossible for us. That being said, I also believe that He would make things impossible for us to do alone, without Him. Part of the reason we are here on this earth is to learn to turn towards God in all things. On that note, I want this to also be the year that I truly believe in God in all ways: believe that he has the upper hand, believe in his plan for me and my family, believe that he is all-knowing, believe that he wants me to succeed and will help me to do so. 

I have a lot of big things coming in 2016. The thought of all of them brings my anxiety right to the surface. What helps me to get through it is to believe in myself and believe in God. 

I know that 2016 has great things in store, but I know that it will be difficult . . . but it will be worth it. This year I'm going to believe in myself and my potential. I'm going to believe in God and his plan for me. I'm going to believe in my family. I'm going to believe in my business and my education. I am so excited for this year!

As I said, I'm sure I have only the smallest idea of what 'believe' will mean to me by the end of 2016 . . . but I do know that this is the word I am supposed to focus on this year. I know that it will get me through the hard times and over the hills that I will have to climb. 

Have you ever done One Little word? Would you like to join me this year? I'd love to hear what your words are and your experiences with them! 

My Stomach and My Anxiety

Note to Self: 

This is SO COOL!

Hi, everyone! This post is a little different because it's not really a note to myself. This is a post where I really just want to share a part of my life and my story with all of you!

Over the last few weeks I've been researching and writing a paper (okay, you got me, I wrote the paper in a day haha) about the bidirectional relationship between the gastrointestinal tract and anxiety, and the effect of probiotics on that relationship. 

This topic didn’t just come from some weird obsession I have with stomachs or psychological disorders (though I think both are fascinating). I chose this topic because I have struggled with both gastrointestinal issues and anxiety problems for years. I have what is referred to as a "functional gastrointestinal disorder." This means that there’s something wrong with the way my body is working, but there are no clear, structural causes. Basically, no matter how many doctors and specialists I go to, they all tell me that I’m just fine. In fact, I found the term I used early to define my stomach issues on my own. No doctor ever told me I had a "functional GI disorder," but that is literally what has been happening. The doctors who didn’t tell me I was fine (structurally), decided that my GI issues must be caused by anxiety. The problem with that idea is I didn’t feel anxious or stressed at all when this all started. My stomach issues began the summer after 8th grade... what on earth would I have to be that stressed about? School was over, summer was good, I had a great life. It was nearly impossible for me to find any correlation between the problems in my stomach and stress.

Fast-forward about five years. The GI discomfort continued regularly throughout that time. I found little relief in various prescriptions, but, for the most part, it was something that I had come to think of as just a part of me. At this point, though, I began to develop intense anxiety, which eventually led to full-on panic attacks. People joke about those... like "calm down, don't have a panic attack." Seriously, though... they are no joking matter. My first panic attack TERRIFIED me. I'll never joke about that again. Now, I will admit that this was a much more stressful time in my life. Transitioning to life as an adult, figuring out college, thinking about getting married... they're stressful things. But it troubled me that I was having such intense anxiety and panic attacks when I couldn't remember ever feeling anything near that before. 

At this point, my doctors still believed that my GI problems came from my anxiety. It is true that in times when I felt noticeably anxious, I had some GI discomfort. THIS FELT DIFFERENT. It's not something I could easily describe to a doctor (or to anyone) but the stomach pain that came from my anxiety felt completely different from the stomach pain that I had been experiencing for years. Even if my doctors couldn't distinguish between the two, I knew there was a difference. 

Fast-forward, again, (about a year) to my Biopsychology class this semester. My professor (love that woman) briefly mentioned that bacteria in the stomach can have an effect on anxiety and then moved onto our next topic. After class I approached her to clarify. I told her about some of my issues and that doctors always told me that my anxiety caused my stomach issues. She told me that's usually true, but that the relationship can go the other way, as well. I was amazed! This suggested that my stomach problems could have actually influenced my anxiety! I decided this relationship would be the perfect topic for my research paper. My professor actually suggested I talk about probiotics as well, and I am so glad she did. 

I won't bore you with my actual APA formatted research paper (though, if you're interested, I would be happy to email you a copy), but I would like to briefly summarize all that I've learned. 

Typically the relationship has been viewed from a top-down perspective: the idea that our GI tract is influenced by the physical and emotional stress we are experiencing. This makes sense and is a very real part of the relationships inside our bodies. However, it says nothing about the other aspect. The microbiota (bacteria) in the GI tract are actually a crucial part of how the brain is influenced by the body. This includes the influence on the risk of disorders such as anxiety.

How exactly does this relationship work? How does the GI tract influence our brain? 

Going back to the top-down perspective, stress can actually influence how permeable the intestines are. This gives the bacteria access to the peripheral nervous system. Without going into too much detail, there is a portion of our PNS that is designed to send information about digestive processes to the central nervous system (aka: our brain). The signal sent from the GI tract to the brain influences the neurotransmitters in the hypothalamus and the amygdala, which are both areas involved with processing anxiety-related emotions. 

Now, ideally, every relationship in our body exists to serve a purpose. What purpose would this signal serve? The nerves that send this signal are sensitive to dangerous bacteria in our stomach. It sends the signal as a kind of warning. Which, looking from an evolutionary perspective, makes sense! Food poisoning (and other things) can leave an animal (or human) vulnerable so the body needs to warn the brain that it needs to be more cautious (and, in turn, anxious) than normal. Tada! It makes sense. 

My next question had to do with what could be done to influence this relationship so that I could "fix" myself. As my professor hinted, probiotics are the most promising answer. Probiotics work to displace the potentially dangerous bacteria in our GI tract, which makes it of greater benefit to the individual. This also improves mental health because of the signals I talked about earlier! 

Studies with mice have shown that probiotic treatment can reverse anxiety-like behavior in mice that have GI inflammation. While there haven't been many human studies yet, the ones that have been done have shown evidence that probiotics do have an anxiolytic effect in humans as well. These findings are promising and could lead to more clinical trials with probiotic treatments in humans. The hope is that the bacteria in the GI tract could be targeted for therapy related to anxiety disorders. A combination of probiotic treatment and traditional therapy could be very beneficial. 

So there's what I've learned so far! This has truly been the most interesting research project I've ever done. While I know it's impossible to do a true study on myself, I believe that I have already been applying what I've learned, without even realizing it! Which is so cool! Over the summer I started drinking Greens every day. Since then, I've noticed a decrease in the frequency of my "stomach flare-ups" as I call them, as well as a decrease in my anxiety. Yes, I still get anxious... but I couldn't tell you the last time I had a panic attack. And that is truly amazing. It turns out that Greens are a probiotic. After all the research I've done for this paper, it really makes sense that this drink could have helped me in those areas! Even if I can't count this as "real research," I feel great about it. Anything that can have any effect on all my issues is a life saver to me. 

I know that I'm not "cured," but if you could only feel and understand the relief that I have experienced over the last few months! I haven't felt this healthy (both physically and mentally) in a long time and I am so grateful. I plan on researching this topic more, for sure. Maybe I'll even have my GI microbiome tested to see if it really has just been pesky bad bacteria messing with me all this time. Because this is just my hypothesis right now haha Anyway, I'm excited to see where this takes me! 

Sorry if you thought that was boring. I just had to share it because I think it is SO COOL! And I just can't stop smiling about the whole thing... so yeah :) I hope you all have a great day!

Again, feel free to message me if you want more of the information that I gathered or the sources that I've been learning from! I'd be happy to talk with you! :) 

kenna.m.4life@gmail.com