A New Me

Note to Self:

You did it. 

Oy. If there's one thing I have a hard time doing, it's making friends. If you're my friend, you might not believe it. It is so true, though. 

I am unbearably shy. If you don't talk to me first, there is a 99% chance that I won't strike up a conversation (this goes for new people, not friends that I already have). I am terrified of being surrounded by people I don't know. Not because people, themselves, scare me. Not because I hate people. It's because I'm too scared to talk to any one of them. 

If you know me personally, or consider yourself a friend of mine, think about how we first met and got to know each other. I almost guarantee that you were the one to initiate the conversation. 

This goes for anyone who has come into my life at any time. Once you're my friend, I will absolutely talk to you. When people get to know me, they swear that I am the farthest thing from shy. And I'm not shy around my friends. I'm still more reserved than some of them, but I try haha 

By the time I graduated high school I had accumulated an amazing group of friends. Some of them I had been friends with since Jr. High. Others I met my senior year. Ultimately, they were everything I needed. As my senior year came to an end I realized that I would likely never see a lot of these people again. I knew some would stick around and we'd keep in touch, but we were all going in different directions. I knew that once I got to college I would have to, in a sense, start over. 

For this reason, college has been extremely difficult for me. 

My first semester at Weber State I had the amazing opportunity to live with amazing roommates. What a blessing that was.  These girls saved me that first semester. My entire outlook on college would have been much different without these three girls. While I heard many horror stories about roommates in college, I was lucky to be put with amazing girls and we all became great friends. After that first year, they all went off to do their own things in new places. I knew that I would have to find new friends again at college. 

I started that next semester freaking out. The start of every semester is the same for me. I know I'll have all new classes with all new people. It's nothing like high school, where you've grown up with these kids and know many (if not all) of them by name. Every semester I wonder if I'll have the courage to talk to someone and make a friend or if I'll be lucky enough to have someone befriend me. That next semester was really hard. I got to know a couple people in my classes and we'd chat in class a bit. It was nothing much more than that, though.

It's so strange . . . to be lonely but to be too scared to do anything about it. It's terrible, really.

That's why every semester starts out with anxiety. Not so much anxiety about the difficult semester ahead (though it is always difficult) . . . it's filled with anxiety rooted in my shy personality and my longing to make friends in my classes so I don't feel alone.

I expected this semester to be no different. I expected the anxiety, the rapid heart rate, and the shallow breaths . . . all of it. By today I have been to each of my classes once . . . and I realized today that I didn't have any of those feelings in any of my five classes. NOT ONCE. Not only did I not have any of those anxious feelings, but I TALKED to people! On my own! I talked to them first and started the conversations! Some of my classes have people I've met before, but I talked to NEW people as well. I started building relationships with these people! I am all too serious when I say that words cannot describe the relief and happiness I feel right now.

I've posted before about how I've been working to manage my anxiety, but this is something completely different. This is a problem I've been struggling with for my ENTIRE life. Something that may seem so simple to some, has been the reason for many fears and countless tears for me.

But I did it.

I've been crying as I've written this post . . . tears of the purest joy. These are things I never thought I would be able to say.

I still consider myself to be shy. But this, to me, is my first big step into the right direction. The direction that will help me take control of this aspect of myself and not allow it to hold me back as it has throughout my life.

This is the first step to a new me.

** I have made friends while at college and I consider you all friends still. I still consider my friends from high school friends as well. You all mean the world to me. This post isn't about not having you as friends anymore! It's about not needing (in an unhealthy way) people like you, who go out of your way to be friends with me . . . and being able to be the one to initiate more friendships. I hope that makes sense! 

One Little Word - 2016

Note to Self: 

One little word is much easier to focus on than a list of resolutions . . .

A few years ago I cam across a blog post by Ali Edwards about One Little Word. 

"A single word can be a powerful thing. It can be the ripple in the pond that changes everything. It can be sharp and biting or rich and soft and slow. From my own personal experience, it can be a catalyst for enriching your life. In 2006, I began a tradition of choosing one word for myself each January--a word that I can focus on, meditate on, and reflect upon as I go about my daily life. My words have included play, peace, vitality, nurture, story, light and up. These words have each become a part of my life in one way or another. They've been embedded into who I am, and into who I'm becoming. They've been what I've needed (and didn't know I needed). They've helped me to breathe deeper, to see clearer and to grow." - Ali Edwards

I gave it a shot back in 2013 with the word 'courage' and it was an amazing experience. (Read more about it here: http://notetoselfcollection.blogspot.com/2013/12/courage.html)

Then in 2014 I chose to focus on the word 'commit.' It turns out that I didn't write about my experiences with that word . . . at least not on the blog. But that did turn out to be the year I made the biggest commitment of my life when I married my sweet husband. 

Last year got away from me (who knew marriage was such an adventure?)! So no little word followed me around in 2015.

This year, though, I want to start it up again. I am a few days into 2016 already, but it took me a while to decide on my word for this year. I started with words like 'adventure' and 'inspire'. . . even thinking of words like 'challenge' and 'positive.' Eventually, though, I decided that the one that stuck out the most is: 

Believe is such a beautiful word and I am so excited to focus on it throughout 2016. 

As I've learned in only the two years that I've chosen one little word, I have only the tiniest idea what this word could mean for me this year. I know that as I ponder and reflect on this word, it will become a part of my life in more ways than I could count. 

As of now, though, I will share the ideas I have for this word. To believe means to 'accept as true' and that is so powerful to me because if something is true it is a fact. The concept seems simple and obvious . . . but I think it's amazing. This year I want to focus on this. 

I want this to be the year I believe in myself and my potential. The saying goes: if you believe in yourself, you're halfway there. I believe it's more than halfway . . . possibly as much as 70/30. Our thoughts and beliefs are so powerful. If you believe in yourself, you can accomplish anything you work towards. I know that is true. Because I believe that our God would not make anything impossible for us. That being said, I also believe that He would make things impossible for us to do alone, without Him. Part of the reason we are here on this earth is to learn to turn towards God in all things. On that note, I want this to also be the year that I truly believe in God in all ways: believe that he has the upper hand, believe in his plan for me and my family, believe that he is all-knowing, believe that he wants me to succeed and will help me to do so. 

I have a lot of big things coming in 2016. The thought of all of them brings my anxiety right to the surface. What helps me to get through it is to believe in myself and believe in God. 

I know that 2016 has great things in store, but I know that it will be difficult . . . but it will be worth it. This year I'm going to believe in myself and my potential. I'm going to believe in God and his plan for me. I'm going to believe in my family. I'm going to believe in my business and my education. I am so excited for this year!

As I said, I'm sure I have only the smallest idea of what 'believe' will mean to me by the end of 2016 . . . but I do know that this is the word I am supposed to focus on this year. I know that it will get me through the hard times and over the hills that I will have to climb. 

Have you ever done One Little word? Would you like to join me this year? I'd love to hear what your words are and your experiences with them! 

My Stomach and My Anxiety

Note to Self: 

This is SO COOL!

Hi, everyone! This post is a little different because it's not really a note to myself. This is a post where I really just want to share a part of my life and my story with all of you!

Over the last few weeks I've been researching and writing a paper (okay, you got me, I wrote the paper in a day haha) about the bidirectional relationship between the gastrointestinal tract and anxiety, and the effect of probiotics on that relationship. 

This topic didn’t just come from some weird obsession I have with stomachs or psychological disorders (though I think both are fascinating). I chose this topic because I have struggled with both gastrointestinal issues and anxiety problems for years. I have what is referred to as a "functional gastrointestinal disorder." This means that there’s something wrong with the way my body is working, but there are no clear, structural causes. Basically, no matter how many doctors and specialists I go to, they all tell me that I’m just fine. In fact, I found the term I used early to define my stomach issues on my own. No doctor ever told me I had a "functional GI disorder," but that is literally what has been happening. The doctors who didn’t tell me I was fine (structurally), decided that my GI issues must be caused by anxiety. The problem with that idea is I didn’t feel anxious or stressed at all when this all started. My stomach issues began the summer after 8th grade... what on earth would I have to be that stressed about? School was over, summer was good, I had a great life. It was nearly impossible for me to find any correlation between the problems in my stomach and stress.

Fast-forward about five years. The GI discomfort continued regularly throughout that time. I found little relief in various prescriptions, but, for the most part, it was something that I had come to think of as just a part of me. At this point, though, I began to develop intense anxiety, which eventually led to full-on panic attacks. People joke about those... like "calm down, don't have a panic attack." Seriously, though... they are no joking matter. My first panic attack TERRIFIED me. I'll never joke about that again. Now, I will admit that this was a much more stressful time in my life. Transitioning to life as an adult, figuring out college, thinking about getting married... they're stressful things. But it troubled me that I was having such intense anxiety and panic attacks when I couldn't remember ever feeling anything near that before. 

At this point, my doctors still believed that my GI problems came from my anxiety. It is true that in times when I felt noticeably anxious, I had some GI discomfort. THIS FELT DIFFERENT. It's not something I could easily describe to a doctor (or to anyone) but the stomach pain that came from my anxiety felt completely different from the stomach pain that I had been experiencing for years. Even if my doctors couldn't distinguish between the two, I knew there was a difference. 

Fast-forward, again, (about a year) to my Biopsychology class this semester. My professor (love that woman) briefly mentioned that bacteria in the stomach can have an effect on anxiety and then moved onto our next topic. After class I approached her to clarify. I told her about some of my issues and that doctors always told me that my anxiety caused my stomach issues. She told me that's usually true, but that the relationship can go the other way, as well. I was amazed! This suggested that my stomach problems could have actually influenced my anxiety! I decided this relationship would be the perfect topic for my research paper. My professor actually suggested I talk about probiotics as well, and I am so glad she did. 

I won't bore you with my actual APA formatted research paper (though, if you're interested, I would be happy to email you a copy), but I would like to briefly summarize all that I've learned. 

Typically the relationship has been viewed from a top-down perspective: the idea that our GI tract is influenced by the physical and emotional stress we are experiencing. This makes sense and is a very real part of the relationships inside our bodies. However, it says nothing about the other aspect. The microbiota (bacteria) in the GI tract are actually a crucial part of how the brain is influenced by the body. This includes the influence on the risk of disorders such as anxiety.

How exactly does this relationship work? How does the GI tract influence our brain? 

Going back to the top-down perspective, stress can actually influence how permeable the intestines are. This gives the bacteria access to the peripheral nervous system. Without going into too much detail, there is a portion of our PNS that is designed to send information about digestive processes to the central nervous system (aka: our brain). The signal sent from the GI tract to the brain influences the neurotransmitters in the hypothalamus and the amygdala, which are both areas involved with processing anxiety-related emotions. 

Now, ideally, every relationship in our body exists to serve a purpose. What purpose would this signal serve? The nerves that send this signal are sensitive to dangerous bacteria in our stomach. It sends the signal as a kind of warning. Which, looking from an evolutionary perspective, makes sense! Food poisoning (and other things) can leave an animal (or human) vulnerable so the body needs to warn the brain that it needs to be more cautious (and, in turn, anxious) than normal. Tada! It makes sense. 

My next question had to do with what could be done to influence this relationship so that I could "fix" myself. As my professor hinted, probiotics are the most promising answer. Probiotics work to displace the potentially dangerous bacteria in our GI tract, which makes it of greater benefit to the individual. This also improves mental health because of the signals I talked about earlier! 

Studies with mice have shown that probiotic treatment can reverse anxiety-like behavior in mice that have GI inflammation. While there haven't been many human studies yet, the ones that have been done have shown evidence that probiotics do have an anxiolytic effect in humans as well. These findings are promising and could lead to more clinical trials with probiotic treatments in humans. The hope is that the bacteria in the GI tract could be targeted for therapy related to anxiety disorders. A combination of probiotic treatment and traditional therapy could be very beneficial. 

So there's what I've learned so far! This has truly been the most interesting research project I've ever done. While I know it's impossible to do a true study on myself, I believe that I have already been applying what I've learned, without even realizing it! Which is so cool! Over the summer I started drinking Greens every day. Since then, I've noticed a decrease in the frequency of my "stomach flare-ups" as I call them, as well as a decrease in my anxiety. Yes, I still get anxious... but I couldn't tell you the last time I had a panic attack. And that is truly amazing. It turns out that Greens are a probiotic. After all the research I've done for this paper, it really makes sense that this drink could have helped me in those areas! Even if I can't count this as "real research," I feel great about it. Anything that can have any effect on all my issues is a life saver to me. 

I know that I'm not "cured," but if you could only feel and understand the relief that I have experienced over the last few months! I haven't felt this healthy (both physically and mentally) in a long time and I am so grateful. I plan on researching this topic more, for sure. Maybe I'll even have my GI microbiome tested to see if it really has just been pesky bad bacteria messing with me all this time. Because this is just my hypothesis right now haha Anyway, I'm excited to see where this takes me! 

Sorry if you thought that was boring. I just had to share it because I think it is SO COOL! And I just can't stop smiling about the whole thing... so yeah :) I hope you all have a great day!

Again, feel free to message me if you want more of the information that I gathered or the sources that I've been learning from! I'd be happy to talk with you! :) 

kenna.m.4life@gmail.com 

Sexual Harassment

Note to Self:

It's real. And it is NOT OK. 

Hello, all. This is my story about my experience with sexual harassment at work.

If you know me personally and have taken on a more "protective" role in my life, you may not want to read this. For your own sake. I'm sure you will anyway, but I'd advise you not to. I don't need you to worry about me and I certainly don't need you to tell me that I "should have come to you."
Believe me, I know.

I am writing this post for those (especially young women) who are in this situation. My goal is simply to be one more voice of advice and story among many. Maybe just one person will relate to my story. Hopefully even just one person will be encouraged to get out of an awful situation. If not, I hope you all enjoy my diary-like post about my story, anyway. 

We've all heard the talks before. Whenever we get a new job, there is at least one training about sexual harassment. They're almost all the same. Usually you have to sit through those awful videos (that you know haven't been redone since the 80s) for an hour or so, learning about how unacceptable sexual harassment is. You learn about what counts as sexual harassment and what you're supposed to do if you feel like a victim. Then you have to sign some paper that says you "understand" and you move onto learning the things that you will actually be doing at your new job. 

I'll admit, after the first couple sexual harassment courses, I kind of tuned out. It's the same info. I had an attitude that led me to believe I would never put up with something like that and anyone who does is stupid. Especially girls who put up with it from male coworkers and don't tell anyone. "They are just STUPID."

Well... then, I guess I was stupid.

I knew that my coordinator was creepy. I knew that most of the girls requested not to work with him. I just didn't care. I thought I knew better. After all, I had that attitude and belief that I would never let myself get into an uncomfortable situation like this. Plus, he told me I reminded him of his daughter... I assumed I was safe.

It started really subtle. Things like him standing closer to me than he did with the guys or calling me over to his desk to show me something on the computer. Things that you don't necessarily think about being bad at all. I just ignored it.

Then, one day, he called me "baby." It was at the end of a sentence and was slurred together... I thought that I must have misheard him. There was NO WAY he just called me that. I ignored it.

A while later (weeks) he called me "baby" again... and I knew this time that I hadn't misheard. But I didn't do anything. I ignored it.

This happened on and off for months... along with inappropriate conversations about his dating life and other things. But other people were always there... so I didn't do or say anything. I ignored it.

I was stupid.

I don't like confrontation. I knew that it could jeopardize my job if I said anything (no, not legally, but we all understand the politics and the unwritten consequences). This was the only coordinator I worked with. In the only center that I worked in. I had been promoted to supervisor here. I knew that if I said anything, I could be held back or sent to a different center where I would be well behind the other employees. I needed this job. I needed the pay that I was making and the hours I was able to work with my current position. So I ignored it.

Then, one day, I heard him call another female coworker "baby." She didn't hear it, and it's possible that I misheard, but it was enough for me to reach out. I asked her about it. Asked her if she heard it. She said no. I explained that it had been happening to me for months, but that I didn't know what to do or say to anyone about it. We talked. I felt more justification in all of my feelings... the uncomfortable aspect for sure. But also the confusion about what I should do. I told myself that if it happened again, I wouldn't put up with it. I would call him out.

The next week, he called me "baby" in front of 3 other coworkers and a student (I work at a university). I didn't know what to do. Everyone was there and I didn't want to cause a scene with the student there... So I ignored it.

Later that day he went to a meeting. The two other women that had been working at the time (one of which the one I had talked to before) told me that they heard him say it and that it wasn't ok. They told me that they would back me if I talked to him or if I wanted to go directly to HR. I knew I needed to confront him.

I took the rest of that night to really think and pray about it. Asking for and getting up the courage to do it first thing in the morning when I got to work. He wasn't there and had meetings for almost my entire 4-hour shift. By the end, I had almost lost my nerve. I could feel my heart racing and I knew that I was so close to just giving up and ignoring it again. But I knew I needed to say something or this anxious feeling would never go away. I would continue to feel uncomfortable at work.

At the end of my shift, I asked him if I could talk to him for a minute. I simply said, "You've been calling me "baby" a lot and it makes me really uncomfortable. It needs to stop." I was so proud of myself for standing up for myself and telling him off. Then he said, "Oh, I've caught myself a couple times. I just call everyone that. My kids, my friends, everyone." My heart broke. He was blowing it off. I told him again that it made me uncomfortable and it really needed to stop and he said he'd try. That was the end of the conversation.

The next day I was talking with a female coworker about it. She told me that this man had said/done inappropriate things to her as well. She went to our boss and reported it. The boss said that lots of girls had complaints about this man. The only action he took? Not to schedule those specific girls with that coordinator anymore.

EXCUSE ME?

This man had been sexually harassing multiple employees over a long period of time and NOTHING had been done about it. I was infuriated.

After I confronted the coordinator, I decided that I would wait it out; see if the behaviors continued, and go from there. But after I learned about the other girls, I knew I couldn't stay quiet anymore. Later that day I called one of the women who said she would go to HR with me and told her the new information. She agreed that we at least had to report it so it was on record.

A couple days later I got a call from one of the other coordinators. He told me that he had found out about everything going on and got an investigator (through the university) to handle the issue. He asked if I would be willing to talk with the investigator and if I knew anyone else who might have anything to add. I agreed that I would talk to him and do anything else I needed to, to help resolve this.

So then I played the waiting game, waiting for the investigator to call.

That weekend my husband came home from a trip and I new it was finally time to talk to him about it. Like I mentioned before, I hadn't talked to anyone about it outside of my two coworkers. No friends, family, not even my husband. I felt awful about not telling him. Guilty. But I also felt embarrassed and guilty about the whole encounter. I had been going through the whole thing alone and I so badly wanted to have him by my side. So I explained everything. I knew that he would be there with me every step of the way. Encouraging me through the hard parts. Understand when I had a really rough day at work. I was so relieved to finally have him understand what had been happening.

The investigator called the following evening and we talked for a good while. Honestly I was terrified about that phone call before it happened. But it was obvious that the investigator had a lot of experience in this and he truly cared about the situation and cared about me as a person. I told him everything I knew and everything that had happened. I asked if he would inform be before confronting my coordinator, and he agreed that would probably be beneficial for me.

And that was that.

It's been a few weeks now. Most of it is all "hush hush." I hear things every once in a while either from my boss or from the investigator, but I'm sure soon it'll all be out in the open.

As of today, I turned in my letter of resignation. I'll finish out the summer at this job, but will not be continuing in the Fall. I informed my boss that I was willing to keep in contact through the duration of the investigation, however long that takes.

It's bittersweet. I'm scared to move on. I've had this job basically the entire time I've been in college. I know it's time, though. It was a toxic situation that I didn't feel comfortable in and it's good that I found a way out.

As I mentioned earlier, I am writing this post for people who have been or are currently in similar situations. I know that many situations are worse than my own, but I wanted to share it anyway. And I would like to end it with a few things I wish I had heard before now:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. 

YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS.

THERE IS HELP AVAILABLE.

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.

DO NOT FEEL ASHAMED.

YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS. 

If any of you are in this situation and want someone to talk to, I am here with an open heart and mind and a listening ear. If I can help even one person get through this situation, I will do it. You can email me at kenna.m.4life@gmail.com. If you don't want to talk to me, please, PLEASE talk to someone. There is help available. There is a way out. You don't have to put up with this.

Sexual harassment is real. And it is NOT OK.

P.S. If any of you know where I work specifically, I would appreciate it if you didn't mention anything about it. The investigation is still going on and while I made this post as anonymous as possible, I know a few of you will likely know who I'm talking about. Please keep the specifics that you know confidential so that this may all run as smoothly as possible. Thank you.