Note to Self: 

The problem is, you think you have time. 

For the last few years I have been a strong believer in the whole "you don't need that kind of negativity in your life" and "take care of yourself" mindset. I wasn't just a passive follower, either, I was a strong advocate for it. The last month has changed all that. 

You see, about a year ago, my dad made some decisions that really messed with my head. It made my anxiety spike and put me on an emotional roller coaster. Everyone around me told me that it's ok to take some time to process and take care of myself - and put that relationship on hold. I believed them, and that's exactly what I did. I did for a couple months. And just as I was about ready to try again, we had a conversation that didn't go as well as we hoped, and I decided it was best to take even more time. 

Well, a month ago, my dad passed away unexpectedly. I took more time than we were given. And now I'd give anything to rewind and spend that time with him instead. The problem is, I thought I had time. I thought I had time to re-group, do some self-care, and still have time to fix things with him. I thought I'd have years ahead of us to build our relationship back up and spend time together. But I didn't. 

I hesitated sharing any of this because of what others might think - the judgement I might feel about all the time I took. But, quite honestly, this has been the hardest year for my mental health and I genuinely needed time to try and just be OK in general, let alone the time to mend relationships that were truly difficult at the time.

It's an understatement to say that my perspective on the matter has changed in the last 30 days. I cringe now when someone tells me to "take care of myself first." When students tell me their parents made them mad so they're not talking to them, I want to scream at them. (I don't of course, but it makes those conversations and my work as a school counselor quite difficult). I hope someday I can heal enough to find a balance in this area.

This is really hard for me to share. It's taken the whole month to even begin to be able to really put this into words. But I want to share it if it can help just one person have a change of heart and mend a relationship sooner than later. Because yes, self-care is important. Yes, sometimes you need time to process. I just urge you to think about how much time you actually need to process and think about how you leave things before you take that time. Because sometimes you won't get the time you thought you had.

I hope that you do - whoever you are reading this. I hope that time is kind to you and you have all the time in the world. I hope that a relationship never gets so hard that you need to take some time in the first place. But, just in case, I hope you keep this all in mind and I hope it can make a difference for you. 

I love you, Dad.

Life

Note to Self: 

Isn't life just incredible?

Five years ago I was starting my freshman year of college. I was living in a new city, my only friends nearby were my crazy roommates (miss you guys), and I had no idea what the future would hold. All I wanted was to focus on school and have, you know, the "college experience". (I had no idea that a few weeks in I had already met the man I'd marry.)

Four years ago I was getting ready to marry my best friend at only 19 years old. After one crazy year and going from "just having fun dating" to "give me that ring d*** it" my whole world changed. It wasn’t part of the plan I thought I had for my life, but I was so excited for our future together. 

Three years ago I discovered that I could graduate with my bachelors a year early if I switched some classes around, dropped my second minor, and took extra credits each semester. As soon as I discovered that I ran with it. It was stressful and I almost gave up when it came time to take the GRE - but I pushed through. 

Two years ago I started my masters program to become a school counselor. I was scared and couldn’t believe I had gotten to that point in my life! Because seriously? I never imagined at just 21 I would be married and graduated with my bachelors degree. 

One year ago my husband and I had just bought our first home and were quickly realizing all the fun that comes with homeownership (let alone owing a "fixer-upper"). It was crazy but I was so happy to have a home of our own with our little fur babies. 

This year I’ve started working as a school counselor. I’ve entered into the career that I’ve dreamed about the last few years and I’m anxiously anticipating being officially done with school. This month Stefen and I will also be celebrating 4 years of marriage. I have never been happier. 

That’s just the last five years... and if I’ve learned anything in those five years, it’s that I have absolutely no idea what the next five will bring! I’ve got goals and we have plans, but I know many of those will change. 

Luckily the other thing I’ve learned over the last five years is that things work out. I was just thinking the other day about where I am and how I got here. How one class led to another and even to a job opportunity; how one job opened the door to the next; and how I somehow ended up exactly where I needed to be. 

Life is just incredible. 

*and yes we do need a more recent family picture - but you try wrestling those monsters ;)

New Home Project

Note to Self: 

Even a small project can take a large amount of work!

Once upon a time, I decided to take on a new project. Because we definitely didn't already have enough projects in our fixer upper house we just purchased and moved into. *insert eyeroll*

Yes, you read that right! We just bought our first home and it's been quite the adventure so far!

The truth is there are a lot of projects. We knew there would be when we decide to invest in this home, but every once in awhile I can't help but think, "Why didn't I push harder to purchase that cute, little, newly renovated, yellow house??" Don't get me wrong, I love this house! But if there's one thing I've learned in the last month and a half of homeownership, it's that every project has 3 characteristics, they:

Are more difficult than anticipated

 Cost more than you originally planned

Take more time than you could imagine

That being said, I got to the point where I was kind of DONE with the big house projects. So I decided to take on (what I thought would be) a smaller, more manageable project (cue the drum roll): 

SCRABBLE WALL ART

I had seen it before and thought it would be so fun to incorporate one into the collage wall I was working through in my mind. So, I set to work! 

STEP 1: Design

This step took the longest for me because I am extremely indecisive and this step involves a lot of decision making. First of which is what words/names to use. I decided to do our family's names (McKenna, Stefen, Tib, & Pepper) and then also the word "family."

Tib and Pepper are our two yorkies - aren't they adorable? 

Once you've picked your words, it's time to figure out the layout! The easiest way, I found, is to use an online crossword puzzle maker. Most of them you can just put the words in and then re-run the program multiple times to give you different layouts to choose from. I ended up using a couple different websites (linked below) because each one tends to get stuck in the same few patterns. There are a ton of other options for websites as well! 

https://worksheets.theteacherscorner.net/make-your-own/crossword/

http://puzzlemaker.discoveryeducation.com/CrissCrossSetupForm.asp

After the programs had created some layouts, I used photoshop to add the letters back in because I'm a super visual person and I needed to see it. Here's what a few looked like after the fact: 

And here's some examples after I got scared to make a decision and instead decided to procrastinate by using photoshop to put real scrabble tiles into those layouts haha: 

(Side note: Tiberius is Tib's full name)

After showing my husband a few layouts and asking for this opinion, he said he liked the tallest one (left on the above picture) the best. I liked it too, so I moved forward! 

STEP 2: Get materials

Here's a quick list of materials I used (I'll go over reach of them a bit more when I get to the step I used them in): 

• 1/4" x 4" x 48" wood 
• Ruler/measuring tape
• Level
• Pencil
• Wood Stain
• Polyurethane
• Paper/stencils
• Paint brushes/toothpick
• Saw
• Sandpaper 

The wood for the project was easier to find than I expected. I looked at a craft store, but they didn't have the size I wanted and it was all expensive. So I headed over to Home Depot (aka: my home away from home right now) and found some wood boards that would be perfect. The sign said they were 1/4" x 4" x 48", but when I got them home and looked more closely, the tag actually said it was 3.5" wide (which ended up working better!) These boards were $4.95 each and I needed 3 to have enough squares for my project and a couple extra for oopsies. 

STEP 3: Measure & Cut

The first part is easy - whatever width your board is, measure that same distance along the length of the board and trace out the lines to cut your squares. I used a carpenter square (that's what they're called, right?) but a ruler would work too! 

After I drew the lines it was time to cut the squares! Thankfully our friend was letting us borrow his saw for a couple other house projects so we already had one to use. If you don't have one, you could rent one or just cut the pieces at home depot! I enlisted my husband's help to show me how to use the one we had and he helped cut some of the boards as well. 

STEP 4: Sanding

We had some fancy sanding blocks from some other projects, but just sandpaper will work as well. You just want to make sure the edges and surfaces are smooth and even. I'm not the most patient individual so I sped through this step and I'll admit my "squares" could look better than they do haha! 

STEP 5: Stain

The hardest part about this step was deciding what color stain to get! I ended up getting Minwax Weathered Oak. An 8 oz container cost about $5 - and I had a ton left! So make sure you pick a stain that you'll want to use on something else. Staining itself is easy, just follow the instructions on the can! One thing I struggled with is that not every piece is going to stain the same - they all look quite different. Which is great for art, but hard for a perfectionist's mind. Here's all of them together after I stained them:

STEP 6: Trace & Paint Letters

I had a hard time deciding how to do this next step because I wanted my tiles to look like real scrabble tiles, but I also wanted the process to be fairly easy. There are letter stencils you can get, but I didn't like the font. There are letter stickers as well, but I didn't like any of the sizes. So I decided to go with the good old tracing and painting method haha. 

First you have to decide on a font and print out the letters/numbers you'll need in the size you want them. I used Arial font, size 250 (letters) and 65 (numbers). 

When you have them printed out, trace the letters onto the backside of the paper with a pencil, making sure to make the mark dark (lots of lead dust - I use super technical terms if you couldn't tell). 

Cut out the letters and numbers and gather your tiles together. Make sure you know how many of each letter you'll need and also what number goes with each before you do this next step!

Put the pieces pencil side down on the wood tiles, then trace over the edges of the letter. This will transfer the markings to the wood (very lightly) so you know where to paint! 

I used black acrylic paint to fill in the letters/numbers. This was probably the most frustrating part of the project because I didn't have great brushes (I just used what I could find in my old craft supplies). Because of this, I had to use toothpicks to help with a lot of the edges and details. 

STEP 6: Polyurethane finish

After all the paint dries, it's time to finish them off with a polyurethane spray! I used the one pictured below (about $7), but Home Depot has lots to choose from. I picked this one in particular because I like the satin finish more than glossy and this was one of the least expensive options. Like with the stain, just follow the directions on the can and you'll be good as gold! 

QUICK SIDE NOTE:

Along the way, I laid out the tiles and discovered that the layout we chose was actually too tall for where we wanted to put it on the wall - I almost cried! So instead of the taller layout, we just kind of turned that one on it's side and went with a wider design.

STEP 7: Hanging the pieces

During my prep for this project, I found lots of different ways to put together and hang the letters. Some people connected them on the back with wire/tape, others attached them to a board and hung that on the wall. I decided I wanted each of the letters to be separate so that in the future I could move the letters around as we have kids - or just get more dogs ;) haha

The way I decided to hang these letters separately involved using command strips (the velcro ones). Now, I'm pretty cheap and I like to keep my projects as inexpensive as possible. SO I bought a 16 set pack of small command strips and then cut them in half to double them! This wouldn't work for all projects, but since each letter tile wasn't very heavy, it worked well for this. You just have to make sure you cut them in half like a hotdog instead of a hamburger (y'all know what I'm talking about). After you cut them, put the two velcro pieces together and now you have one set to use! 

Here's a picture: 

Once you have all your command strips cut and put together, it's time to attach them to your letters. The easiest way is to take off the plastic part on one side, stick it to the tile, and leave the other plastic piece on until you're going to place it on the wall. 

Once you have all your tiles ready to go, just slap them on the wall! Ta-da! 

. . . 

Just kidding ;) If you're anything like me you're going to need them to be perfectly straight or you'll lose you're mind every time you see it! To make sure the tiles were straight, I used a tape measure, pencil, level, and painters tape. 

First I measured to find the middle of the wall, made a couple marks using the level, and then placed painters tape in a straight line across the wall. Next I figured out which letter was the middle of my design and put that one on the wall first, using the painters tape as my guide. 

After that I finished out the letters along that same line before moving the tape and measuring/marking for the next line. As far as the space between tiles, I just eyeballed it - I was way too anxious to see the finished product to take the time to measure!

Afterward I measured and the gaps were about 1/4 inch. If I did it over, I probably would have made these gaps larger! Close up the gaps look fine, but from far away the tiles look like they're touching. 

STEP 8: Sit back and enjoy your work!

That's all, folks!

There is actually one more step for me - I'll be making a collage wall with some pictures and quotes too. So that's what I'm working on now! But until that's done, I'm just happy seeing this up on our previously empty wall and knowing that I did this project from start to finish!

This was such a fun project and I'm glad I took the time away from the stresses of homeownership to do this!

I hope you enjoyed my tutorial! If you have any questions feel free to email me! And if you make you're own scrabble wall art I'd love to see it!

Thanks everyone!

10 Things I Learned in my First Semester of Grad School

Note to Self: 

Grad school isn't all it's cracked up to be - but at the same time it's so much more. 

About three weeks ago, I finished my first semester in grad school! I started my school counseling masters program at USU and you could say I'm pretty excited about it.

I've been dreaming about going to grad school for years. Wondering what I'd do, what it would be like, what I'd learn. Worrying about where I'd go, if I'd make the right decision, and if I could handle it. The truth is that grad school, so far, is nothing like what I expected. In some ways it's worse, but in many ways it's better.

Here's my cheesy "first day of school" pic.

So, now that I've finished my first semester and have all this "insight" (haha), I decided to sit down and do what so many others have: make a "10 things I learned in my first semester of grad school" post.

1) Grad school isn't a competition 
Before I got into my program, I had multiple anxiety attacks about whether or not I would be good enough. I knew that my 3.9 GPA, good GRE score, experience, etc. would not make me unique among the students in my program. I knew that would be the average. I worried about proving myself and didn't want to be at the "bottom" of my cohort. There were days I didn't even want to apply for fear that I wouldn't make the cut. The truth is, grad school isn't a competition. I'm in a cohort of 37 students. That's 36 other people who are working towards the same goal and going through many of the same struggles as I am. Basically, you have to remember that you are definitely not alone. I have never felt more at home in a group of people. Maybe I got lucky - but we all have this cheesy, high school musical, "we're all in this together" type of feel (at least I think so). If someone records or types out the lecture, we share it. We have a Facebook group where we can all talk, help, and encourage each other. Since day one it's felt like the farthest thing from a competition and I'm so grateful for that. I can already tell that some of these people will be life-long friends and that we'll all help each other out throughout our careers.

2) Grades don't matter like they did in your undergrad
I've always been a straight A student. Once you get into grad school, the majority of the students around you were straight A students. So imagine our dismay when we took our first quiz and the average was a 78%! Grad school is hard. After the first week I started to worry, again, if I had what it took to get through. I began to give up on getting A's, but still hoped that I would and worked for it. I think it took nearly the entire semester for the majority of us to wrap our heads around the fact that not getting an A is OK. To move on in our program, we need to get B's in our courses. Throughout the semester, I can't tell you how many times I heard something along the lines of "It'll be OK... we only need to get a B" through deep breaths. The professors don't want you to fail, either. No matter how much individual professors may make you question this. They want you to succeed and most are willing to help you in any way they can. Stressing about the difference between a B and an A is simply not worth it. No one is going to look at your transcripts after you graduate and say "Oh dear, she only got a B - let's hire someone else." Getting through the program and earning your degree is good enough.

3) There's more reading than you ever imagined possible 
Even though my graduate program is only part time (2 classes, 6 credits), I had more reading each week than I did in my undergrad with 5 classes. And I've heard that next semester's classes are even more reading intensive! If you didn't learn how to skim and grasp the main points in your undergrad, the first semester of grad school is the time to learn. It's also important to learn how to research a topic in depth. I read more research articles this semester than I did my entire undergrad (even with my research methods class). You'll learn a lot - but don't underestimate the time it takes to do so!

 4) Plan ahead - turn in assignments early
This one is hard to learn! I had spurts of time during the semester where I got ahead by planning and turning things in early, and other times when I was turning things in moments before they were due. The first option is always better. Our big assignment was due while I was scheduled to be on vacation so I finished it and turned it in the night before we left. It was such a relief to have it done! I wish I had been more productive and turned in the majority of my assignments early. The end of the semester is so much more manageable if you turn most of your assignments in beforehand. You'll thank yourself for it and your professors will thank you too.

5) Organization is key
I don't know how I ever survived without my Plum Paper planner (or any planner for that matter). Staying organized in grad school is more important than ever! Keeping track of all of the readings, papers, quizzes, exams, etc. can feel overwhelming. Looking over the syllabi that first night of class was so intimidating! I spent that first weekend writing out everything in my planner and it helped me get through the semester without too many breakdowns ;) - really it helped a TON. You don't have to purchase a customized planner if you don't want to (I just can't help myself), but investing in some kind of planner is definitely worth it! Figure out what works best for you and do it.

6) Grad school has to be a priority
Grad school is going to take up a ton of your time - there's no getting around it. Our program director gave us two pieces of advice during orientation. The first was: you have to be willing to set aside time for school and make it a priority. Everyone in my life knows that for the next two years they better not plan anything for Thursday nights, because I have class and will not be able to make it. I came to terms with the fact that my husband and I would no longer be able to hit up B-dubs for boneless wing Thursday (heartbreaking). I also accepted the fact that even though we have cable now, I would still have to watch Grey's Anatomy on Fridays. Those might be little sacrifices, but in all seriousness, you are going to have to make sacrifices for grad school. But it will be worth it. (At least that's what they keep telling me!)

7) Veggies and the gym are important 
The second piece of advice our director gave us was: eat vegetables. No joke. We all laughed at the time, but it's so true. During those psychometrics study sessions it was so hard not to eat a whole bag of chocolate covered cinnamon bears instead of some carrots and celery. Many professors won't mind if you snack during classes (especially long ones) so take the time to plan out a healthy (preferably quiet) snack, instead of just picking up a bag of chips on your way out the door. If you don't take care of yourself, you'll be amazed at how quickly your health can go downhill when you're busy and stressed about school. So eat your vegetables. And go to the gym.

8) It's serious - but not THAT serious
Grad school is serious. It's bigger than your undergrad and it determines what you'll do next. However, it's not so serious that you can't laugh your way through it and even ENJOY it. That first semester was hard. I have to say, though... I am ecstatic for this next semester to start. I'm excited to learn more about what I want to do with my life. I'm glad I'll get to see all of my friends again every Thursday night. I want to enjoy grad school while I'm in it, instead of just looking back and thinking, "Wow, that was really a great time."

9) Give yourself a break
Most people in grad school aren't only in grad school. I've got a full time job that also requires many service hours, a husband, a puppy, etc. Whatever it is you're doing alongside grad school, it's likely that you'll have times when you feel overwhelmed. I know I have and it's only been one semester! That's why it's so important to give yourself a break. And by that I mean two things: 1) give yourself a break when you're not able to do it all (you're still doing great!) and 2) give yourself the time to take a break every once in a while. You'll thank yourself for both.

10) It's going to be OK
I think this one is the most important - and something that I needed to hear often throughout the last semester. It's going to be OK. If you put in the time and the effort, you are going to be ok. You have to work and it's not going to be easy - but you didn't get into grad school on a whim. You have what it takes! So on those really hard days, look in the mirror and tell yourself that it's going to be OK. Get together with other students in your program and remind each other that it's going to be OK. Because it will be. Somehow you'll make it happen; you'll finish all of your assignments, you'll pass your classes, and before you know it you'll be onto the next semester.


Hope you enjoyed my awesome, not so original, 10 things I learned post! ;)

Now go out there and rock your grad program!

One Little Word - 2017

Note to Self:

These one little words mean more than you ever realized. 

A few years ago I came across a blog that gave me the idea of doing One Little Word (OLW). The idea is that instead of making "resolutions," you choose one word to focus on throughout the year. In the past I've done words such as "courage" and "commit." Last year I chose the word "believe."

Before I get into which word I've chosen this year, I want to do a little recap on 2016 and my OLW "believe."

If you would have asked me yesterday if I had learned a lot from my one little word for 2016, I would have probably said no. In fact, I know I would have said no. I was thinking about it as the year came to a close - thinking about the fact that I didn't focus on my OLW very much at all. I was actually quite upset about it for a minute, and promised myself that I would do better this year.

Then, in preparation for this post, I went back to my 2016 OLW blog post. Last January, I wrote this about my word "believe":

"I know that 2016 has great things in store, but I know that it will be difficult . . . but it will be worth it. This year I'm going to believe in myself and my potential. I'm going to believe in God and his plan for me. I'm going to believe in my family. I'm going to believe in my business and my education. I am so excited for this year!

"As I said, I'm sure I have only the smallest idea of what 'believe' will mean to me by the end of 2016 . . . but I do know that this is the word I am supposed to focus on this year. I know that it will get me through the hard times and over the hills that I will have to climb. " 

When I read this, moments ago, tears came to my eyes. "Believe" meant so much more to me during 2016 than I ever realized. I went through many trials that I know would not have been possible without believing in myself and God. I believed in my family and I'm in a much better place with each one of them than I was this time last year. I believed in my business and even though I've placed it on the back burner the last few months, it has remained a constant. 

Most of all I believed in my potential and my education. 

Many of you may not know, but I wasn't supposed to graduate with my bachelors this past summer. When I think of 2017, I still think of it as "the year I'll graduate," because that was always the plan. Around this time last year, however, I discovered a way that I could possibly graduate a year early and start my graduate program a year early as well. It was terrifying and difficult. There were days I wanted to quit (mostly the days that consisted of studying for the GRE and the days I had to ask for letters of recommendation). But I believed in myself. More than I think I ever have. I believed in God and the fact that his plan for me was different than my own. And I did it. I graduated Summa cum laude from WSU during Summer 2016 and started my masters program at USU, Fall 2016. That's not to broast - it's to show the difference that believing in yourself can truly make. 

I'm so thankful that I chose "believe" as my one little word for 2016! Even if I didn't realize it along the way, it had a lasting effect on me.  

NOW! Onto 2017! 

I almost didn't have to think about what word I would chose this year. I even debated choosing this word for 2016, but I'm glad I didn't. I needed 2016 to teach me what this word really meant and how I could apply it to my life this year. 

My One Little Word for 2017 is: 

I am so excited to focus on the word "adventure" throughout 2017! 

Adventure - noun: an unusual or exciting experience or activity; participation in exciting undertakings or enterprises. 

I said I needed 2016 to teach me what this word is really about - let me explain. 

When I first think of the word "adventure," I think of all of the trips we went on this last year... 

Trips to Jackson Hole, Seattle, Spokane, Provo, Logan, Los Angeles, Hogwarts, etc. 

But that's not all that this word means. When I really sit and think about the adventures we had during the last year, I think of the day to day things. The trips to the grocery store. Getting lost on our way somewhere. Exploring our neighborhood. Trying a new recipe or new restaurant. Dying my hair a new and exciting color. 

Adventures don't have to be grand trips or experiences. 

That's why I'm so excited to focus on this word for 2017. Not only am I excited for any big trips that we may go on, I'm also looking forward to finding and creating daily adventures to make this year the best year yet. 

Have you ever done One Little Word? Would you like to join me this year? I'd love to hear what your words are and your experiences with them! 

Feel free to check out my first OLW post to learn more about where I first found OLW and where it started for me! http://notetoselfcollection.blogspot.com/2013/01/one-little-word-may-it-be-great-year.html

A to Z marriage tips - Part One

Note to Self: 

At least you seem to have it all figured out on paper! ;) 

Hi everyone! I came across this blog post: http://heavenlyhomemakers.com/category/marriage-tips-a-to-z , and decided to make one for myself! Stefen and I have been married a year and a half this month! I can't believe it's already been that long! Anyway, I'm no expert on marriage (it's only been a year and a half after all) but these are some of the things I've heard and learned in the last year and a half! It's an A to Z list, but after writing it and it turned out to be over 10 pages long, I figured I should split it into two posts! So, here's A to M! :)

Appreciate your spouse

Don't take for granted the things that your spouse does for you and the person that they are. Be intentional in showing and telling your spouse that you appreciate them. It takes work, but it is so important.

Men and women are different and sometimes it might be hard to see or understand what it is the other person is doing for you. It takes effort and humility. We've only been married for a year and a half and I'm slowly learning all of the ways that I can show Stefen that I appreciate him. I'm still learning all of the things that I really do appreciate about him! It's a learning processes, as with anything in marriage.

The words you say to your spouse matter, but the tone matters more. Imagine saying some of the things you already say, but in a tone of appreciation. It could do wonderful things. Even saying a simple "thank you" can be an easy way to begin to express how much you appreciate your spouse.

Besides showing and telling your spouse how much you appreciate them, you should keep these things in your mind. How hard is it to be mad or frustrated at your spouse when your mind is full of appreciation for all the things they do for you? It's extremely difficult . . . which is kind of the point. A single positive (and appreciative) thought about your spouse each day can change your entire marriage.

Be silly

Life can become so serious at times. Stefen and I have both worked and gone to school full time the entire time we've been married so far (OK we had one summer off of school). Besides work and school and homework and exams you have things like money and dishes and laundry and family and sleep and all of the other things that come with being . . . you know . . . a human being. And it sucks. I spend so much time every day just thinking about all that I have to do! But I'd go crazy if that's all I ever did.

I've always been more on the serious side. It's hard for me to step away from that and just have fun. This is one of the reasons I fell in love with my Stefen in the beginning and why I continue to fall more in love every day. HE MAKES ME BE SILLY. Ok, maybe he doesn't make me, but I let myself be silly with him! We wrestle and he pretends to eat my face and he'll drag me across the kitchen when I'm wearing socks . . . I can't even think of all the silly things we do. But I know that bein silly has helped our marriage in so many ways.

Choose your battles

This is true with everyone and everything, but especially in marriage. Some things really don't matter. Like the way the butter and butter knife are put to together . . . I place the knife on the side of the dish. Stefen, on the other hand, stabs the butter with the knife so it's sticking straight up. Does it bother me? Every time! (My OCD tendencies go crazy haha). Is it worth ANY kind of argument? Absolutely not. It's just butter.

That's a silly example, but how many other "butter" disagreements do we have in a marriage? A million. But those things don't matter. Something I've heard again and again: "Don't sweat the small stuff. It's all small stuff."

Some things in life really don't matter. Some battles aren't worth fighting. And if you choose to fight them, fight them with toothpicks instead of swords . . . fight them with jokes and laughter instead of criticism. Ok maybe that's a bad metaphor . . . but oh well. The point is, those little things really don't matter. What matters is your marriage.

Don't go to bed angry 

Nahh . . . I don't like this one. So really, my advice would be the opposite. Or at least that it's OK to go to bed angry.

Do you think rationally when you're angry? If so, I give you major props. I know I'm a logical disaster when I'm upset and trying to deal with conflict when I'm angry would be one of the WORST things for our marriage. I've tried . . . it didn't work out haha. Going to bed angry isn't fun, either. I don't sleep much on those occasions because I run over things I'd like to say in my head for hours . . . but eventually I do sleep. And every time I wake up I realize how irrational I was being and we can start the conversation over again. It's amazing how much easier it is to handle conflict when you're not angry.

H.A.L.T. is a good thing to remember, here. Don't attempt meaningful conversation (especially handling conflict) if either spouse is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. And especially not a combination of those . . . Like "hangry." (I never realized that I get hangry until Stefen pointed it out . . . now we can be out running errands and all of a sudden he'll pull into a drive thru and I get mad because "we have stuff to do" and he tells me that I need to eat . . . my bad haha.) 

Anyway. If any of you have heard this same bit of advice, probably just ignore it. Going to bed angry is certainly not the worst thing you could do!

Every day, choose them

I think people get married and then have this mindset that they're "stuck" with that person forever. That's just not true. Divorce is easier than ever (NOT A REASON TO DO IT). If you want out, you can get out. But marriage isn't about finding an "out," it's about finding all the reasons you choose to stay "in." 

Marriage is hard. There have been times that Stefen has pushed buttons I didn't even know I had. But you know what? I choose him. I chose him when I said yes to that first date. I chose him for the year that we dated and I chose him the day I said "yes" to being his wife. I chose him the day we were married in the temple and I've chosen him every day since. I'm not stuck with him. I CHOOSE him. Every day, no matter what happens, I choose to be with him. I choose to be his wife and to love him. I choose to accept his flaws, just as he chooses to accept mine. I choose to stand by him for better and for worse. 

Every day you have that opportunity to make that choice again. Marriage is about making that choice. 

Friends first

As in, be friends before lovers. If your spouse isn't your best friend, work on that. If Stefen isn't the first person I want to tell my good news to or cry to when things are hard, I know that's when I need to work to feel closer to him. Your spouse should be your best friend. They should be there for you every step of your journey, because you are taking that journey together. If they're not your best friend, think about the things that you can do to be a better friend to them.

While your spouse should be your best friend, I think it's so crucial to point out that they should not be your only friend. You can and should have other friends. You can even have other best friends. I know "best" implies one, but I think that's dumb. You can have more than one best friend because each friend is different and is your friend for different reasons. So, even when you get married and your spouse is your best friend, don't let go of your other friendships! You need them, too! After all, Stefen just isn't going to react the same about a new episode of Greys Anatomy as my girlfriends will ;) haha

Girls/guys night out

This was so hard for me to wrap my head around in the beginning! Stefen had been living a bachelor-type life for years when I met him. Working, hanging out with friends, playing video games, you get the point. He was used to doing his own thing most of the time. I had just moved away from all of my friends and family and spent most of my time by myself (not that I didn't do that even when I lived by my friends haha), but I wanted to make friends and spend time with someone!

When Stefen and I were dating, we spent a ton of time together. Granted, most of it was spent doing homework, but we were still together. So when we got married, I still wanted to spend a ton of time together. Basically all of our time together. That's what married people do, right!? Pretty sure I started to smother my poor husband haha!

You need time apart or you'll start to drive each other crazy. Whether you spend that time by yourself doing a hobby, or going out for a girls/guys night . . . you need to do it.

Hold each other

Hugging and holding each other is basically the best thing, ever. At least once a day (as in probably 15 times), I'll just walk up to Stefen and hug him and not let go. Honestly, it makes everything better (even if nothing was wrong in the first place). That's about all I have to say about it . . . basically hugging every day is awesome :)

Intentional love

It takes intentionality to strengthen your love and your marriage! It doesn't just happen, no matter how badly you "want" it. Intentional couples think about their marriage, plan for their marriage, and act for their marriage. Spouses need to be dedicated to maintaining and building their connection throughout their marriage. 

If you're not being intentional, you'll easily slip into automatic mode. Great marriages are not build in automatic mode! That's when you just let life happen. If you just let marriage "happen", there's not going to be much marriage left at the end of it. A great marriage takes work! And to put in that effort, you have to be intentional in your relationship. 

Imagine how much different relationships would be, if each person acted intentionally instead of simply reacting? It's that intentionality that can turn a conversation from terrible to wonderful and can turn a relationship around. I've seen it. And it's hard! Sometimes I really suck at it haha. But every day I strive to be intentional in my marriage. 

Jam-packed with love

Ok, I know some people will disagree with me, but hear me out: Say "I love you" every day, multiple times a day. I've heard so many people say that if you say "I love you" too much it loses its meaning. The truth is, it doesn't lose its meaning unless you let it. 

Stefen and I say "I love you" more times than I could count each day. In person, over text, on the phone . . . And it's awesome. We know we love each other even without those words, but who doesn't love to hear that? The trick is not only to say it often, but to ALWAYS mean it. 

Stefen jokes that I have different "I love you"s . . . there's the: you're-an-idiot-but-I-love-you "I love you", you're-my-everything "I love you", I'm-busy-and-can't-talk-but-I-love-you "I love you", and a few others that I'm sure he would recognize haha The point is, no matter which of these it is, he knows that I love him. It doesn't matter if he's being dumb, when I say "I love you", I mean it. When I'm busy doing homework and don't have time to have a conversation, when I say "I love you" then, I mean it. 

So say "I love you" often, but only as often as you're able to mean it. 

Kiss every day

This is kind of like the hug one. Hugging and kissing helps you feel closer to your spouse! Maybe you're not a touchy-feely person and this seems strange to you (that's OK). But I think everyone should try the "15 second kiss challenge." Basically you make sure that you and your spouse kiss for at least 15 seconds every day!

I actually don't know if I kiss my husband for 15 seconds every day . . . I don't know if I've ever thought about the time! But I know that kissing him every day (for any amount of time) has brought us closer! So I imagine that this would do the same :) Here's where I got the idea from: http://fiercemarriage.com/15-second-kiss-experiment

Learn your love languages

Have you heard of love languages before? If not, you need to move on over to this website: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ and take the quiz. Then make your spouse take the quiz. Then you can come back here and keep reading. If you have heard of them, feel free to continue ;)

I've been minoring in family studies, which means that I've learned about love languages in nearly all of my minor classes, and a communications class which Stefen also took. If you've learned about them, you could be one of the people who think they're silly or worthless. You have the right to your opinion! But I'm here to tell you that the love languages are real and extremely helpful.

While each love language has a definition, it is very important to learn your spouse's definition of the love languages that mean the most to them!

Both Stefen and I have "physical touch" and "quality time" pretty high on our list of love languages. While physical touch is fairly straightforward (holding hands, sitting next to each other, hugging, etc.), we had different definitions for quality time. And that is OK. I remember being so frustrated in the beginning because I didn't feel like I was getting the quality time that I needed, and Stefen thought we were. Why? Because we had different definitions. For me, quality time is doing things together, talking, eye contact, playing a game, things like that. For Stefen, sitting in the same room together, even if he was playing xbox and I was on my computer, counted as quality time. When we had this conversation and explained to each other what "quality time" meant to us, things went much more smoothly. I could accept that sometimes just being in the same room was all that he needed as far as quality time. He could accept that sometimes I needed more than that.

Really, learning and discussing your love languages is just about learning and discussing the ways you can show your spouse that you love them. So whether or not you believe in the true "love languages," make sure you take the time to understand what your spouse needs to feel loved!

Marriage is most important

Your marriage is more important than your career and your hobbies. Your marriage is more important than what your friends or family think. Your marriage is the most important thing. I can't stress this enough. Don't put anything before your marriage . . . because when whatever it is finally ends or falls through, it's your spouse that will be there to pick you back up.

"If I could tell my generation one thing about marriage, it would be that marriage is your project for the world: your greatest possible contribution to the future is likely your family, not your occupation" - Josh Craddock




That's my A to M list! What did you think? I'd love to hear your opinions! And stay tuned for part two: N to Z! :)

That thing in high school

Note to Self:

That thing that happened in high school really did change your life forever.

I've been trying to be better at blogging. You know, more than one post every couple of months . . . But I'm busy and when I have the time, I usually just draw a blank! So I googled for ideas of what to blog about (like any good blogger does). I found a great list of "50 Things to Blog About." The first thing on the list was:

That thing that happened in high school that changed your life forever.

So, that's exactly what I'm going to write about!

High school wasn't really anything special for me. I had some amazing friends, but I was mostly just shy. I went to some dances. I took AP classes, but certainly not more than my other classmates. I did take hip hop and social dance classes and performed . . . I even have recordings of them! But you'll never see those . . . because I sucked haha.

Honestly, most of high school is just a small little blip of my life.

So what was that thing that happened that changed my life?

That thing was moving into the new building that had been built for us.

Most of my high school experience was around construction. They had plans to build a new school on the other side of the block and began working on tearing down the current building my first year there.

Oh the joys of construction . . .

The smells.

The sounds.

But it was OK because they were building us a new school. Everybody loves new, shiny buildings.

The timeline was never really set in stone (as most construction work appears to be). We were told that we would be the last ones to graduate from the old school. Then we were told we would be the first to graduate from the new school. All the while, the building was slowly being put together. Eventually, most of us assumed the building wouldn't be completed until the summer after we graduated.

Then our administration had BIG NEWS for us . . . we would be moving into the new building in April. Just about two months before graduation. About a month before all of our AP tests and other final testing. And the faculty would have to move their things to the new building over spring break. What GREAT news . . .

And that's exactly what happened. We were uprooted and relocated right during the stress of the end of the school year. The best part was the school had not been completed. A lot of equipment was not available to use yet. The construction was now going on all around us instead of a few hundred yards away. There were hundreds of "bugs" that hadn't even been contemplated yet.

But, sure . . . moving sounded like the best plan. *sarcasm*

Now, before you get all up in my face about this, I know that there are political and other factors that went into this decision that were out of the administration's control. I understood it then and I certainly understand it now. However, that knowledge did not help the situation or change my actions.

You might be wondering how a silly move "changed my life forever." I'm about to get to that :)

You see, I was quite upset. Besides the fact that it was the end of the semester and there were problems and we were all stressed . . . it bothered me that I wouldn't get to graduate from the school that I had been attending for the last three years. So many emotions and memories were attached to that school and I wouldn't be able to walk through on the last day of my senior year to remember it all. As I said, I was upset.

And I did things I never thought I would be brave enough to do.

I emailed the superintendent trying to get an interview to find out information. I made my opinion widely known. I wrote my satire paper for AP Lit on the move and presented it to my class. I wrote a poem about the move and had it published in the school's literary arts magazine. And, on the first day in the new building, I wore this shirt:

 

I received a lot of hate for my opinions. People accused me of not knowing what I was talking about and being a spoiled brat. I received quite a few hateful comments and messages. I had SBO's tell me to stop disrespecting them and the other administrators (of course non of the things I did affected them directly). I received glares from administrators (to which I simply smiled).

But I also received support. From friends and family and even teachers who agreed that the decision to move before the end of the year was not a good one. They loved my satire and my poem. Some gave me thumbs up for my shirt. Man, I love some of those teachers.

For the first time in my life I really stood up for something, over and over again. I held my ground and made my opinion known all the way till the end. I wore a t-shirt that called a ton of attention to myself (something that I HATE), and I did it to prove that I had a voice. I did it to prove that it's OK to have an opinion in high school even if you aren't a cheerleader or an SBO. I did it to prove to myself that I was brave enough to stand up for myself and what I believe or feel.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what changed my life forever.

I've drawn on the confidence that I gained in those last few months of high school, over and over again. I still falter. I still get scared and stay quiet. But I know that I can look back on this and tell myself,

"Hey, you did that and you survived. You are stronger than you realize. You can stand up for anything."

I know this example might seem odd or even silly to many of you. And that's OK. What matters is the lesson I learned and the confidence I gained. It truly changed my life!


Do YOU have a thing that happened in high school that changed your life forever? I'd LOVE to hear about it! And maybe even have you write a guest post for my blog! Comment or message me :)